Que Sera Sera
by Oneturtledove
Summary: It was if there had been a spontaneous explosion within her and she was desperately trying to hold it all together.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I've been writing fanfic in general for longer than I would care to admit (just how long ago was 1999?) but this is my first Castle story (that I've been happy enough with to post that is). While I would normally hem and haw over posting it, I decided to pull a Sydney Bristow and jump off that 50 story building into a pool of unknown depth because courage is being the only one who knows you're scared.  
I don't know if there are any notes that are needed here really, but I do like reviews and any questions a reader might have. Originally this was going to be a oneshot but I recently thought of better storyline, so this will be a sporadically updated mulit-chapter fic of undetermined length. Enjoy the ride.

* * *

Kate twirled her hair mindlessly around her finger, her eyes going from the book in her hands to the clock on the wall every few moments. Castle had only left ten minutes ago to drive all the way across town for the best Chinese food he could find, but she was hungry enough that it felt like it had been hours. She turned a page and her stomach rumbled as if possessed and she smiled to herself hoping he would get a double order of wontons.

There was a creaking noise from upstairs and she looked up from the book wondering if it was Martha or Alexis. They were both home but ensconced in their respective bedrooms for one reason or another. Martha had claimed she needed complete silence to meditate and prepare for her classes the next day, and Alexis was currently buried in all the homework she'd missed over the last few weeks, what with Paris and the aftermath. In the last two days she'd only come down for meals, and sometimes not even that. Castle was worried, insisting that she needed to take more breaks, but Kate understood that there was probably a lot going on up there other than homework. One could only keep a straight face for so long before things started to catch up to them.

After a moment nothing happened and no one came down the stairs so she turned back to the book, considering texting Castle to make sure he got all three kinds of eggrolls instead of just the pork ones. Her hand was halfway to the phone when she heard the noise again, louder this time. Glancing up she saw Alexis coming down the stairs, her eyes red, but her tears wiped away.

"Is dad here?"

"He went to get dinner."

"Oh."

"You alright?"

Alexis sighed heavily, wrapping her arms around herself, trying to hide the fact that she'd lost a few pounds. No one else had noticed so far, but Kate was very aware of all the symptoms that came with traumatic experiences. She'd been watching for this since the moment the young girl had walked back through the front door so many weeks ago.

"I just got off the phone with my mom," she explained, shuffling over to sit on the couch.

"When is she getting here?"

"She's not."

"What?" Kate asked, not shocked but still taken by some form of surprise. Meredith had been promising to come out and see her "baby girl" for weeks, to check up on her after everything that had happened, but every weekend there had been some reason why she couldn't come.

"She has a thing on Sunday night. Nothing specific enough to have made it onto her calendar three days ago, but important enough that she can't even make a quick trip to come see me."

"I'm so sorry, Alexis."

"I just don't get it," she whispered, breath hitching in her throat. "I'm never enough. Nothing I have ever done in my life has been important enough for her to show up. The only time she is ever here is when she's got some other motive, or if she has to be in town anyway. It's not like she can't afford it. She doesn't even miss me. Dad misses me after a day. She doesn't even miss me after a year."

Kate didn't really know what to say; she never did in these rare moments when Alexis opened up to her. It wasn't as if they were cold or unfriendly, on the contrary, the last few weeks had found them giggling over inside jokes and talking about nothing of consequence late into the night. But Alexis had never been forthcoming with her emotions, so this left Kate a little mute.

"It's not like I needed her really. I just wanted to mean something."

"You mean something, Alexis. You mean a lot."

"You know what Gina said to me once? She told me that it must be really hard on my mom to let me down all the time."

Kate's jaw drooped open and she couldn't help the fact that her eyes expanded about three times their original size.

"Okay, I am not one to speak ill of anyone, especially Gina," she started, earning a half grin from Alexis. "And I never try too hard to understand the insane but what on God's green earth was she thinking?"

"She probably wasn't."

Kate gave Alexis' hand another squeeze, wracking her brain for something to say that wasn't cliché and didn't sound like a line. She came up with nothing. There just wasn't anything legitimate and reassuring the worked in this situation.

"I could have been killed and I don't think she would have shown up to the funeral."

Her voice sounded like it had come from somewhere else and the tears that followed the statement were full of more anguish and fear than Kate had ever seen. She dropped the book, not caring that she'd probably broken the spine, and scooted across the couch, pulling Alexis into her arms and holding her tight.

"I could have been killed. I could be dead right now," Alexis was muttering through the tears as if the thought had just occurred to her. In all truth it probably just had. She'd been so focused on survival at the time, then on returning to normal that she hadn't really confronted how dangerous the situation had really been. It had been building up inside her for a month now and suddenly the rejection from her mother had become so great that all the other things were being pushed up to the surface as well. It was if there had been a spontaneous explosion within her and she was desperately trying to hold it all together.

"You're safe sweetie. It's all over now."

"What if-"

"No. No what ifs. None of them happened, none of them will happen."

Alexis was breathing hard and while Kate knew that she needed to confront all these emotions, she also knew that now wasn't the time. Now she needed to deal with the Meredith issue, get that squared away before she could start finally tiptoeing into what happened. She had to deal with them separately or she would never be able to think of one without the other.

"I have nightmares all night long. During the day all I can think is what-if."

"We don't live life on what-ifs or we never live for what is."

"But what is… Kate everything is falling apart," Alexis hiccupped, rubbing her eyes and feeling much like a forlorn little girl, but not really caring either.

"No it's not. I know it feels like it sweetheart but nothing is really falling apart. We're not going to let it. Your dad and gram and I always here for you, no matter what. Even if you feel like you're the one falling apart, we're here to hold you together and make you safe. You're going to be just fine."

"I'm so tired. I don't sleep much and when I do I dream about it and then when I get up I'm either thinking about that or about my mom or worrying about my dad and it's just too much for me to hold. Way too much."

"I think it's time for you to start letting go," Kate whispered, tucking Alexis a little closer.

"How do I do that?"

"There are ways, Alexis. There are a lot of ways and we can find one that works for you, okay?"

"We?"

"What, do you think I'd throw you in the deep end? I'll be here as much as you need me to and even when you think you don't. Okay?"

Alexis nodded quietly, picking at her cuticles.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"I haven't exactly been a pleasant person to be around these last few months."

"What do you mean?"

Alexis sighed; she'd been thinking that the confession would come with an "Oh, it's no big deal, I get it," kind of response. Apparently Kate was going to treat her like an adult and make her work for it a little.

"I've treated you like you're just another one of his relationships even though I know this is different. I've been cold to you and I haven't tried to fix that. I worry about his safety so much and I know that he would follow you anywhere, he would risk his life for you and that scares me a lot. I'm afraid I would lose him. I know that's not your fault but it's so much easier to blame you than it is to see that he has to be the one to change. I turned all that into not trusting you, which isn't fair at all. And I've been… I've just been like the evil step-daughter in the movies and I don't want to be like that. I'm not like that and I don't know why I acted so… so…"

"So normal?"

"Normal?"

"I didn't really think you were going to view this as rainbows and ponies or something."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not."

"Wait, what are you trying to say?" Alexis asked, sitting up and shaking her head a little.

"I'm not going to blow sunshine up your nose. Relationships are hard. They're frustrating and confusing and there are so many complicated things going on that sometimes you wonder why in the world you're doing this. And sometimes all that bubbles up and no matter how much you love the person, you do or say something totally wrong and uncalled for. There are fights and misunderstandings and moments when you want to give up. I know you know that, and I know you know that your dad and I are going to have those times. I think that's a lot of what worries you, because of how we've dealt with it in the past."

"I don't want to watch him nurse a broken heart again."

"I don't either. But all those bad things are worth it with him. I don't ever want out. I don't ever want to leave him or give up. I am definitely not the easiest person to love in the world but I am doing my best to keep him from running for the hills. I love him and I am not going anywhere."

"But you've hurt him," Alexis whispered, eyes falling to her hands in shame that she'd even brought it up.

"Yes I have. He's hurt me too. And that doesn't make it okay, it doesn't make us even or anything like that. I'll tell you the truth Alexis, we've both made mistakes that you probably don't even know about. But we haven't just jumped into this and forgotten all that as if it didn't happen. We've talked about all of it, over and over again, we've even fought about it, but has either of us walked away? Have I broken his heart again?"

"No. He's… he's happier than he's been in years. But it's still early, things could still unwind."

"I know. I don't expect you to trust me or trust that everything will always be okay, but I am promising you now just like I promised him, I won't walk away. I'm in this for good, okay?"

Alexis nodded, still refusing to look up. She hated admitting it more than anything and until this moment she hadn't let herself even form the thought completely, but part of her fear wasn't just Kate walking away from a relationship, leaving her father struggling. Part of it was the sharp pain in her chest when she thought of the door closing behind her as she left, closing on all three of them. It may not be what she'd always pictured as a happy family, and she wasn't sure she even thought of it as family anyway. But Kate was stability. She was calm and safety, despite the chaos and danger that had come into their lives four years ago. Alexis wasn't sure she was ready to live without that again.

"You are the most important thing in the world to your dad and I never want to get in the way of that. I would like to have some kind of relationship with you though, because we're going to be in each other's lives."

"What is that going to look like?"

"I don't know. Whatever we make it."

"If you and my dad weren't together… would you still care?"

"Yes. I've cared about you for a long time, Alexis. It's not just because of your dad."

"It's going to take some time. I've been mad at you for a while. I know lately it hasn't seemed like it because I've been trying, but the anger is still there."

"I know."

"I think a lot of it is misplaced but it's not easy to turn that off."

"No, it's not. I can be patient though. And I'll be here for you no matter what. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Do you believe me?"

"I don't think you would lie. But I don't know what's going to happen in the future."

"Fair enough."

They both fell silent for a moment, thinking their own thoughts on the matter and searching themselves for anything else that needed to be said.

"Could you not mention any of this to dad?"

"Of course."

"Gina always told my dad everything I told her. I was a lot younger then so it wasn't important things but it still made me feel insignificant."

"As far as I'm concerned, anything we talk about is just between us."

"Thank you."

"Darlings!" Martha greeted, breezing down the stairs and unintentionally ending their conversation. "I'm famished."

"Meditating works up an appetite huh?" Alexis teased.

"Oh you," Martha replied, waving a hand and rolling her eyes, as she was wont to do when teased.

"Food should be here soon," Kate supplied, leaning down to grab her book off the floor. "Unless he's sitting in the car eating all the potstickers."

"Again," Alexis chuckled. "The look on his face when you caught him was kind of the best thing in the world."

"He shouldn't have left the receipt in the bag," she shrugged, dog-earing a corner of the page and closing the book.

"He would argue that you shouldn't have been trying to pay him back for it."

"I suppose we're at an impasse," Kate shrugged with a grin, standing up from the couch. "Tea to go with Chinese food?"

She received two affirmative answers and went into the kitchen to start boiling the water while the front door swung open.

"Heard you talking about me," Castle said, as if he had stumbled upon a private conversation.

"No you didn't," Martha replied, pulling out a bottle of wine. "We all love you Richard but we're not your groupies."

"You wound me."

"Did you get potstickers?" Kate and Alexis asked in unison, advancing on him to peek into the bags.

He sighed and shook his head, resigning himself to his fate.

"I'm a goner."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I didn't think I would actually get to updating for a while, but this chapter had a mind of its own. Usually my updates are much longer than this but it felt right so I figured it was a good time to post. As always, reviews are accepted but not required. (Name that reference!)

* * *

The images slipped from the folds of her mind, scattering much as a bad hand of cards from the clutch of a defeated gambler. She sat up straight, grasping at fistfuls of sheets and breathing heavily looking around the room for some sign of containment, imprisonment, escape. But she was fine, she was safe, she was home.

Her heart still striking against her chest like the heavy beat of a metronome, she tossed the blankets off her sweat soaked body and stood from the bed. The sun had risen, possibly a few hours ago, and she walked to the window, pressing her forehead against the still night-cooled glass and pushed out a breath of air, allowing her eyes to close for a scant moment. The nightmares had gotten quieter but more frequent and while they didn't send her running downstairs to the light, they did disturb her sleep, and they caused her to feel on edge for the entire day.

It was too dark in the room suddenly, too small and cramped and she knew it was time to get out. She changed her clothes quickly, tossed her hair up into a ponytail and headed downstairs, wondering if she could slip out undetected.

"Hey pumpkin, want some breakfast?"

Suppressing a sigh, she turned on a smile and shook her head.

"No thanks dad. Maybe when I get back."

"Wait, where are you going? I thought we'd have breakfast together and you could make your phone call real quick and then we could see if there's anything good playing today."

"My phone call?" she asked, wrinkling her brow.

"It's Mothers Day," he reminded her softly, not meeting her gaze.

"I'm not making a phone call today," she answered after a moment, her expression making it very clear to him that he shouldn't pry.

"Okay. Well breakfast will be here when you get back… from wherever you're going."

"Just for a run dad. I promise, I won't be gone long."

He nodded and she stole out of the loft, not really breathing until her feet hit the sidewalk. It seemed much better then, looking up at the sky, even if it was obscured by buildings. At least it was there. The faster she ran, the lighter she felt, and by the time she reached the park she was hitting the ground in a full out sprint, her side aching with the exertion. She hadn't run in a very long time, at least not like this and she knew she was going to pay for not warming up first.

Slowing down, she dropped to a bench and let herself breathe for a while. She wanted so badly to stretch out of herself, not trapped by her own body anymore. She just wanted to be free from everything that could possibly tie her down. She wanted to be reckless because she felt like it was the only thing that would keep her safe. Her mind ran over different thoughts, touching them gently and briefly, as long slender fingers playing scales on a piano. Nothing stuck, everything just swirled around. She didn't want to confront the thoughts but at the same time, she wished they would finally slow down, at least so she could organize them and put them away.

The ache in her side had faded and she stood up from the bench, deciding a slow jog would give her some time to get herself in order before she got home. She wondered briefly if there would be a missed call on her phone, from an unknown number with an L.A. area code, but she realized that she didn't really care at this point.

Anger fueled the rest of the jog home and when she got back to the loft all she wanted was a hot shower and a good cry. Luckily no one was around when she got back, and she stole upstairs to the bathroom, turning on the hot water and stepping beneath it. Nothing would ever be the same again. She knew now why they did what they did, why Kate spent her life in danger, trying to bring people to justice. Why her father followed along, almost carelessly, wanting to make a difference. It was so they might save someone else from feeling like this.

A shuddering sob was the beginning of her surrender and she sunk down to the floor of the shower, curling into herself and crying for all she was worth. She didn't know what she wanted anymore; to run and expand and be free, or to stay holed up in safe places, never having to worry about what was around the corner. Not knowing scared her to death.

The water was running cold now and she managed to turn it off and pull herself to her feet. Wrapping a bathrobe loosely around herself she stole back into her bedroom, climbing into bed and curling up against the pillows, knowing she wouldn't fall asleep, but wishing she could turn everything off for a while.

A noise from downstairs made her sit up and listen, wondering who was here and if they would leave her in peace.

"Maybe I do need to just let her do this at her own pace, but do you know how hard that is?"

"Richard, you are going to have to learn to let go. Be there on her terms."

"She's my daughter, I can't just turn off my worries."

"I didn't ask you to."

"Well then what are you telling me, mother?"

"I'm just telling you to be there when she needs you but don't force yourself. And she'll need you, Richard. Believe me."

Alexis sniffled and pulled her pillow closer, a huge weight of guilt settling over her. She hated how much this was affecting her father. She knew something was wrong with her, but the thought of something being so wrong that she needed outside help was disturbing. Kate had gently suggested talking to someone, but Alexis had politely refused, sure that she didn't need it. Now she was wondering if something like that could even help. How had she fallen so far in such a short time?

* * *

"Hey stranger."

"Hi dad."

He gave her his signature crooked smile and she couldn't help joining him on the couch and curling up into his side. She didn't even want the comfort until the moment she got it and she let out a slow sigh.

"What have you been up to all day?"

"Reading," she lied, hating herself for doing it. "Not a lot."

"You didn't come down for dinner."

"I was right in the middle of a courtroom scene, I couldn't put it down."

"I suppose I can't fault your thirst for literature."

"I hope not. Where's Kate?"

"I'm not sure. She said she was spending the morning with her dad but I haven't heard from her yet. It's not an easy day for her."

"I know."

"Not easy for you either," he observed quietly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

"I'm okay dad."

"I know. But if you weren't, I'd still love you the same."

She didn't reply and he hugged her a little tighter for several minutes, reinforcing what he had said.

"Want to eat junk food and watch a crappy comedy?"

"Yeah, sure."

He gave her another squeeze and stood up from the couch, heading into the kitchen while she grabbed the remote to search through Netflix. She felt a little more centered now, but not grounded. Centered but still spinning. She glanced down at her hands to see if they were shaking as much as her spirit and found that they remained steady. Maybe she was just exhausted. She needed sleep, good sleep and lots of rest. Maybe then things wouldn't be so out of control. If she could just rest it was possible that everything would fall back into place.

Her dad returned to the couch with ice-cream and other junk food and try as she might, she couldn't get herself to enjoy the movie or even being with him. She stuck it out for a while, until the end of the first movie, then yawned and apologized for being tired, excusing herself. He stopped her partway and hugged her tightly, not letting go for several minutes.

"I love you Alexis."

"I love you too dad."

"I'm here for you if you need me. Alright?"

"I know. Thank you."

She stole away to her room again, pacing the floor back and forth, back and forth, every creaking noise making her jump. When her phone buzzed unexpectedly it nearly sent her into a fit and she had to wait five minutes before she could pick it up. What in the world was wrong with her?

_Hey, just wanted to check up on you. Everything okay?_

Kate. She couldn't lie to Kate, couldn't tell her everything was fine when it so obviously wasn't. Not after all the talking they'd done, the trust they'd built. She couldn't betray that but she couldn't let it slip either. Couldn't let her guard down, let herself confront what was going on.

_Just been one of those days. I'll be fine. Probably need sleep._

She turned her phone off and climbed into bed wondering if tomorrow was going to bring more clarity or more demons. She wasn't sure she was ready to find out.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I've read a few stories on here that dove into this upcoming theme, and while I don't want to step on any toes, I do want to give it my own flair, if you will.

* * *

The fire that was crackling across the room would probably be the last one for quite a while. The season was changing rapidly and there was no need for the extra warmth anymore. Regrettably, that meant that the comforting snaps and pops would be gone soon and she would have to find another source of audible relaxation. It settled a sadness in her chest, the realization that things had to pass.

"Alright ladies, I am off to win John Grisham's money. Expect me back late, it's going to take me a while to get it all."

Alexis smirked and plugged up the sink, starting the hot water and putting soap in for the dishes that couldn't go in the dishwasher.

"Are you two going to be okay without me? Alone in the big city, late at night?"

"And neither of us has a gun or has taken any self defense classes and you certainly don't have an armed doorman. Whatever will we do?" Kate deadpanned, swiping a rag over the stovetop to remove the grease.

"What kind of man would I be if I didn't double check? What are you girls going to do while I'm gone?"

"Freeze your bra," Alexis answered, not taking her eyes off the pot she was scrubbing. Kate snorted a laugh but managed to cover it up pretty well while Castle stood there, mouth agape.

"The two of you need to quit the sarcasm, okay? And the snarky attitudes."

"Kate, we're snarkastic!"

"Achievement unlocked."

"Okay, I suddenly feel totally fine about leaving but I wonder what kind of shenanigans the two of you are going to get up to while I'm gone."

"Don't worry dad. It can't be that bad. Gram isn't here to drunkenly egg us on."

"And you won't be here to come up with the stupid ideas."

"Driving remote control cars off the ceiling fan."

"Enough said."

"Why are you guys talking like you're in a movie from the 1940's?"

"Dad, go. We'll be fine, there's ice-cream in the fridge and 80's movies on Netflix."

"Besides, I'm on call," Kate added. "A body might drop before anyone puts Baby in the corner."

He sighed and shook his head, taking his phone off the counter and giving them both a look before heading for the door.

"Just remember, you're ladies."

"Yes sir."

He gave a nod and left the loft, allowing them to both burst into laughter.

"Why does he think we're going to get into so much trouble?"

"I don't know… well, remember that time you stayed here after your apartment blew up and we put the soap in the microwave to see if it really bubbled up like on Youtube? I think he feels like that was out of character for both of us and he's worried about how far we might go."

"Oh yes, we're so wild," Kate laughed, shaking her head. "He's going to be terrified when he finds out we are going to put two kinds of ice-cream in the same bowl."

"I broke up with Max."

The revelation came from nowhere, so bluntly that Kate had to rewind the moment in her mind to make sure she'd heard correctly.

"You did?"

"Yeah."

Alexis' demeanor had gone so quickly from amused to melancholy that Kate wondered if she'd been faking the laughter earlier.

"When?"

"Yesterday. I was a moron and did it over the phone. I'm just not able to be a good girlfriend right now and he deserves better than that. And he was so nice about it, which made me feel even worse. But I knew it was the right thing, and even when he told me he would wait for me, I couldn't change my mind. I just can't be with someone right now. I don't even know how to have an adult relationship."

"He respected the decision then?"

"He didn't like it but he said he knew it was coming. I haven't really talked to him much lately, but it's not his fault."

"You're not in an easy place right now and for him to recognize and accept that is big. He said he'd wait for you, that means a lot."

"What if I'm not ready for a long time?"

"Just make sure you keep the lines of communication open. Don't let him sit there wondering. If he cares about you that much he would rather hear that you're trying and you're not there yet than not hear anything at all."

"So don't use the Kate Beckett method."

She didn't mean it as icily as it sounded, but Kate wasn't a stranger to the fact that this was still a sore spot, nor did she think that the tone of voice was uncalled for.

"No, I don't want you to make my mistakes. Putting false protections around your heart only impedes the healing process and hurts everyone else around you."

"I know."

They lapsed into silence, not uncomfortable but not easy all the same. As much as Kate wanted to get things out in the open, dealt with and moved on from, it wasn't easy to hear how much her actions hurt.

"I'll call him in a few weeks. Maybe I'll be ready by then anyway."

It took everything she had to not suggest counseling again. She wanted Alexis to trust her more before she brought it up again a second time. The last conversation about it had been cordial, but she hadn't waited long enough to be able to really make a valid suggestion. She'd promised herself that she would be vigilant but she wouldn't push the issue, and she knew she was still earning that place. Progress had been made but there was a lot more to go.

"So, 80's movies?" Kate started after she'd finished wiping down the counters and putting the leftovers away.

"Yeah, sounds good. Except no Molly Ringwald. As much as I love her I can't see her the same way since Gram started asking if she was my real mother."

"The resemblance is uncanny. Especially in _For Keeps_."

"And Ashley looked like Randall Batinkoff, I know."

"All you need is some Aqua Net and blue eyeshadow."

"You're not funny Kate."

"You're smiling."

"I'm wincing."

"Okay, I won't tease any more. So how about _Footloose_?

"Yeah, I haven't seen that in- OW!"

"What?"

Alexis swore loudly, the knife she'd been washing clattering back into the sink while she yanked the water on and stuck her hand underneath the stream.

"It slipped," she whispered, the color draining out of her face.

"Let me see."

"No, don't touch it."

"I'm not going to touch it, just pull it out from under the water and let me look."

"Ow, ow, ow, please look fast."

"It's pretty deep, sweetie. Let's go to the couch."

"Why is it so hot in here?"

"It's a reaction to the pain," Kate said, half dragging her over to the couch. "Lay down, you look like you're about to pass out."

"I'm dizzy."

"I know," she soothed, pulling a throw pillow under her head and noticing the small trail of blood they'd left on the floor. "Don't move, I'll be right back."

Alexis stayed put, breathing heavily and feeling like she could throw up. She always passed out or came close to it when getting shots at the doctor, and it had taken her a full half hour to be able to stand up after they took her blood to test for mono several months ago. Blood and wounds down in the pathology lab didn't bother her in the slightest, but pain to herself or someone she cared about wasn't easy.

"Okay, let me look again sweetie."

Alexis held her hand out and turned away, breathing deeply and feeling like a baby. Kate had been shot, frozen, stuck in a car underwater, and probably dozens of other injuries that Alexis had never heard about and she'd never faltered. Yet here was Alexis, nearly passing out because of a little cut on her hand.

"I don't think you need stitches, but I'll take you in if you want."

"No. No stiches."

"Okay, that's fine. I'll go grab the first aid kit."

"Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I have suffered enough that I really need a milkshake now."

Kate smiled and nodded.

"Absolutely."

* * *

"Pinchers of Peril! Saved by my Pinchers of Peril!"

"How many times have you seen this movie?" Alexis chuckled.

"A fair few. My dad took me to see it in the theater when it came out, despite my mom saying I was too young."

"And you've loved it ever since?"

"Yeah. I still watch the recording from when they aired it on TV because it has all the good 90's commercials."

"Does my dad know the extent of your geekiness?"

"Unfortunately."

Alexis smiled and lifted the towel off her hand, checking the deep cut. It was still bleeding slowly and while she'd gotten used to slight throbbing in the last hour, the sight of it still bothered her and she was wondering if a quick trip to urgent care might have been a good idea.

"If you could be any Goonie, which one would you be?"

"Mikey, without a doubt," Alexis answered. "Not only did I used to want to actually be a boy named Mikey, I would like to think that I have his sense of adventure. I think that I kind of fall more into the Andy column though. You?"

"Mouth. Or Stef, depends on the day."

"I always wished I could be a little more rebellious like Stef. Or maybe just rough around the edges. Never wanted to be stupid about it but sometimes I wish I would have been less… me."

Kate was quiet for a moment, not sure how much to ask or really what to say. It wasn't lost on her that Alexis had just made her privy to what was probably a private and well-guarded thought and she knew she needed to acknowledge the importance of that, but she had no idea how.

"Are there things about you that you don't like?" she asked finally, turning slightly to face Alexis rather than the TV.

"I don't know. Maybe it's that or maybe I just want to be more."

"More what?"

"I don't know."

"Sounds like maybe you need a change."

"I feel like I just need to… I don't know, jump out of a plane or run with the bulls or hitchhike across the country."

"Then go for it. Except the hitchhiking part."

"I couldn't. Dad would have a heart attack."

"I'll distract him."

"Nah, that's okay. I'll figure something out."

"If you ever need wild ideas, you know where to find me."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Kate's phone went off then, ending the conversation. She didn't want to answer, didn't feel like spending the evening at a crime scene, but she was on call and she had no choice.

"Hey Espo."

"Yo Beckett. Got a body in the park. Bring your galoshes."

"Galoshes? Really?"

"Just a warning."

"Okay. I'll be there in a bit."

"I'll text you the location."

"Later."

She hung up and sighed, standing up from the couch.

"Hate to do this to you, but I gotta go."

"It's okay. We can finish it later."

"Alright. Do you happen to have any rain boots I could borrow?"

"Sure, there's probably a pair in the front hall closet," Alexis offered, jumping up from the couch. The moment she did, she regretted the movement. A wave of dizziness washed over her, accompanied by a surge of nausea. She grabbed onto the arm of the couch to steady herself but could feel everything start to close in and before it even happened, she knew she was about to go down.

It all happened so fast that Kate didn't have a chance to reach out and keep her from falling, but she was able to slow her descent to the floor and keep her from hitting her head on the coffee table. There was an initial moment of panic, where the names of rare diseases flew through her mind and all she could picture was a hospital room full of machines and that horrible disinfectant smell. In the next breath, she gathered her wits and called Alexis' name, checking her pulse and trying to rouse her enough that she could sit up. Her pulse was thready and her breathing was shallow and while Kate knew that it was probably an acceptable reaction to the hand injury earlier, something about this wasn't sitting right and it only took a second of internal deliberation before she grabbed her phone and called an ambulance.


	4. Chapter 4

Despite her best efforts to open her eyes, it was proving much easier to lie quietly in the small bed, eyes closed and hearing on high alert. She could almost feel the steady stream of intravenous liquid pumping into her and she vaguely wondered what it was. There were whispered voices far away and she strained to make out the words they were saying.

Exhaustion.

Low iron levels.

Blood loss.

Lack of nutrition.

Were they talking about her?

She cracked her eyes open slowly and found her dad and Kate sitting near the end of her bed, talking softly, their hands joined between them. Alexis smiled a little at the affection. She'd watched the way they were with each other for a long time, and never in her life had she seen her dad not only more happy, but more content and confident in himself. She knew Kate had a lot to do with that, but some of it was just the fact that her dad was finally growing up a little.

"Hey pumpkin," he greeted, looking up and seeing that she was awake. "How's it going?"

She smiled wryly as he leaned down to kiss her forehead. She could tell he was worried but he was covering it up quite well considering.

"I'm sorry dad."

"Hey, it's alright. Are you feeling okay?"

"Tired."

"Can I get you anything?"

She shook her head and he squeezed her hand, his eyes searching hers as if trying to read her mind.

"I'll go get the doctor," Kate whispered, standing from the chair to excuse herself.

"Dad what happened?"

"You passed out sweetie. Do you remember?"

"Kind of. Why did I pass out?"

"I'll let you talk to the doctor."

"Dad is something wrong with me?"

"No sweetheart. You're going to be perfectly okay."

"Going to be?"

Her question was still hanging in the air when the doctor walked in, followed by Kate who looked as if she'd aged a few years tonight. Her forehead was creased in worry, arms crossed over her chest and her eyes were roaming around the room, landing everywhere but on Alexis.

"How are you feeling, Alexis?"

She turned her attention back to the doctor who sometime in the space of the last few moments had introduced himself, but the name hadn't stuck.

"Just tired. What happened?"

"I'd like to talk to you alone if that's alright."

"I'll go call Gram, let her know you're okay," Castle said, giving her hand a squeeze. "I'll be right back."

He headed out of the small room and Kate started to follow, but without thinking, Alexis called her name, asking her to stay. Kate nodded and sat down in the chair next to the bed, clasping her hands in her lap, somewhat nervously.

"Now Alexis, from our tests it looks like you're suffering from exhaustion and low iron. Your blood levels are also low which I am attributing to the injury you sustained earlier this evening."

She glanced down at her hand which was itchy but bandaged and she wondered briefly if they'd given her stitches or not.

"How long has it been since you've eaten anything?"

"I had something earlier."

He didn't contradict her, but he had a way of staring her down so fiercely in two seconds that she cracked under his gaze.

"I don't think I've actually eaten much of anything in a few weeks."

"That's what we thought. Not a lot of sleep either?"

"Interrupted," she admitted with a nod.

"Energy drinks too?"

"Here and there."

"Alright. We would like to keep you overnight, get you rehydrated and get your blood levels back to normal. We can give you something to help you sleep if you'd like, and I would like to see you eat two meals before you go home."

"Okay."

"I do need to have a social worker come down here and talk with you, but that can wait until morning. Do you have any questions?"

"Not right now."

"Okay. The nurse will be in shortly and I'll be here tonight so if you need anything, don't be afraid to ask."

He patted her hand in what she assumed was a grandfatherly sort of way, and gave her a reassuring smile before leaving the room. The door shut behind him and the room was shrouded in silence, save for the beeping of the monitors.

"You haven't been eating?"

Alexis was quiet for a moment, ashamed that she couldn't even take care of herself much less keep it under control. She'd been faking so many things for so long now, but in reality everything was so mixed up and all over the place that she wasn't even really sure how it all had started.

"I've been trying," she explained finally, looking down at her hands. "Everything makes me feel sick so I don't force myself. I figured it would get better soon but it hasn't."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I don't know. Didn't want to worry dad. I should've been able to take care of it myself. And I didn't know what to say."

"Do your shoulders hurt from carrying the world on them?"

Alexis gave a wan smile as Kate reached over for her hand.

"Listen to me sweetheart. Part of taking care of yourself is asking for help when you need it. Animals may leave home and never come back but we're humans and we need other people. No one has it together all the time and there is no shame in asking for help."

"I don't know how."

"You can just say "hey, I need some help." You know that your dad would be there for whatever you needed. So would Martha and so would I."

"I need some help."

"Okay. What can I do for you?"

"I don't know yet."

"Alright. We need to get you eating. I know that you don't really want to and your body doesn't want you to but you have to be healthy, okay?"

Alexis nodded, feeling a lump rise in her throat. She did not want to cry in front of Kate, not again and especially not now. Why did she feel like she wasn't worth the help? Why did she look at herself and see a nuisance? Why did she want to push Kate away and tell her not to bother, even if she really did want her there?

"I know I asked this a while ago, but are you sure you don't want to talk to someone?"

"I don't know."

"You don't have to decide right now, and you don't even have to think about it anymore, but I want you to know it's there."

"Okay."

"It's going to get better, I can promise you that."

"Will it get worse first?"

"It might. I don't know that for sure but I know that you're not going to have to do it alone."

"Thank you."

* * *

Alexis was released late the next morning after a night of tossing and turning uncomfortably while Castle snored in the chair next to her bed. Kate had received a less than happy call from Captain Gates, complete with a dress-down for not showing up at a crime scene and not calling in either. Once the situation had been explained the Captain had changed her tone and simply asked that next time she was kept in the loop. It didn't make Alexis feel any better, now that Kate was on thin ice because of her, and she'd turned on the TV as a distraction so they wouldn't notice her tears. Kate had left them around 11, giving Alexis a tight hug and reassuring her that everything would be fine before she slipped out the door. Alexis had been grateful for that but she still felt so unworthy of affection that she'd settled down to sleep with a growing knot in the pit of her stomach.

Once they arrived home she stole up to her bedroom to sleep with the promise that she would come down and join them for a late lunch.

"I think I just aged about ten years," Castle admitted once his daughter was out of earshot. "Think she'll be okay?"

"She'll be fine, Castle. We'll make sure."

"We?"

She gave him a clear look and moved over to the coffee table to start cleaning up the mess that had been left there the night before. As she grabbed the popcorn bowl, the milkshake glasses (one empty, one full), and the plate of cookies, it suddenly dawned on her that she should have seen this before. She should have known Alexis wasn't eating and she should have realized that things were a lot worse than she was letting on. She should have seen it so much sooner.

"Deep thinking over there," Castle said after a moment, taking the two pill bottles out of the bag from the pharmacy.

She nodded and brought everything into the kitchen, setting it on the counter, then turning to look at him.

"I feel like I should have seen this coming."

"So do I," he agreed, leaning against the counter and dropping his chin into his hands. "I feel like I failed her."

"I don't think she really wanted anyone to know."

"I should have known anyway."

Kate was quiet, not in agreement but for the fact that there was nothing she could say to change his mind. She walked over to him and pulled him away from the counter, wrapping her arms around him in the only comfort she could give at the moment. He held her tightly, resting his chin on the top of her head, reminding himself that she was here and she was whole and she was alright and if she could make it thought what she did, surely Alexis could make it through this.

"Let's just do this one day at a time for now."

"What do you suggest, detective?"

"The best lunch she's ever had in her life. And after that maybe some fresh air."

"I think we can pull that off."

"Hey, before we do that, I want to tell you something."

"You do?" he asked, stepping closer and looking at her with concern in his eyes.

"Yes. I just think you should know… Castle, no matter what happens… I'll still love you when this gives you gray hair."

"Run."

* * *

"Are all men like this or is my dad just special?"

"That's a loaded question."

Alexis chuckled and tucked one leg beneath her on the park bench, watching as Castle tried to keep up with the college aged guys who were playing football and had reluctantly let "the old guy" join them.

"He's either trying to prove his prowess as a man, or he's trying to make you laugh."

"Well his failure at the first is doing the second so I guess one out of two ain't bad."

"I really hope he doesn't break anything."

"A bone or that fountain over there?"

"Either."

They both burst into a fit of laughter as Castle tripped over his own feet, rolled and struggled to stand up again.

"I'm okay ladies, I'm just fine," he assured before jogging off to play again.

"He's really happy," Alexis mused, loving seeing her beloved father so carefree.

"I hope so."

"You made him happy," she whispered, resting her head on Kate's shoulder.

"It wasn't all me, Alexis."

"Well a lot of it was you. So, thanks."

Kate wasn't sure what to say so she just gave a little nod and stored that particular moment in her memory, in the same place where she kept all the things she never wanted to forget.

"How are you feeling?" she asked after a few minutes had passed.

"I'm okay."

"Are you tired of us asking you that question yet?"

"No, it's okay."

"If it's ever not, you say something, okay?"

"Okay."

"You sound a little blue."

"I miss Gram. It's weird having her gone this long."

"She'll be back this weekend."

"I know. I just wish she'd been here."

"Me too."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Can you help me find someone to talk to?"

The weight that had settled over Kate's heart somewhere in the course of the last 18 hours suddenly dissipated. She would ruminate on where that weight had come from later, but for now she breathed a slow and steady sigh of relief.

"Absolutely," she agreed, sliding her arm around Alexis gently. "Anything you need."

"I don't want to be a burden on you."

"You're not. If you feel comfortable asking me for help, then I want you to do it."

"It's kind of a strange concept for me."

"What is?"

"Relying on anyone except dad."

"Well get used to it. I'm here for good."

"I thought so."

"You two up for some ice-cream?" Castle asked, half-jogging, half-limping over to them.

"Are you done being Rudy?"

"Yeah."

"Need some ice-packs?"

"Yeah."

"At least you're honest. C'mon, we'll go to Bizzys. They'll give you an ice-pack and a hard time," Alexis suggested, standing up.

"And the fact that the owners son has been working out doesn't weigh into this decision at all?"

"Dad. His name is Skeeter. I don't think I need to say more than that."

"Skeeter?" Kate questioned, falling into step with them and taking Castle's hand.

"Yeah. Dad's wanted me to marry him since I was little, on the off chance that he could half inherit an ice-cream empire."

"No one ever said my ambitions were too high," Castle remarked with a shrug.

"Oh dad."

"What? You think I am adorable and you're just so lucky to have a father that has never done anything even remotely embarrassing."

"Looks like you've been reading my diary again."

He laughed and tucked her under his arm, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

"So, one scoop strawberry, one scoop peach and one scoop chocolate chip?" he guessed, leading them down the street to the small ice-cream parlor.

"Maybe. I'll have to see what's new today before I decide."

"That's my girl."

"Oh they have mango!"

Alexis practically skipped down the sidewalk with Castle on her heels, both of them screeching to a halt at the window and peering in at the display.

"See, I told you they would get coconut milk ice-cream," Alexis was saying when Kate finally caught up. "You owe me a new pair of shoes."

"It's summer. You're getting sandals."

"Fine, as long as you remember that I was right and you were wrong."

"Okay but who was the one that suggested crepe-cones?"

"I bow at the feet of the master."

Castle gave her a nod and held the door open for them, exchanging a look with Kate as she passed. She couldn't read it entirely but she was pretty sure what he meant.

"Hello Castles! I was wondering when I would see you around these parts. It's been quite a while."

The older man that had come out from the back room was so skinny that he probably never ate any of his own product, but Kate found herself thinking that he seemed sweet enough anyway.

"We swore off ice-cream for Lent," Alexis offered, teasing in her voice.

"You did not."

"No, we didn't."

"Well Miss Alexis, what can I get for you today?"

Alexis sat down on one of the stools at the counter, spinning around one time before glancing up at the menu.

"Can I have two scoops of pear with gummy bears?"

"Feeling nostalgic today I see. Three scoops coming up."

"No, just two."

"When have I ever given you just two scoops?"

"Okay, okay. Three scoops."

"And for the lovely lady?"

All eyes turned towards Kate and she hesitated a moment, having to remind herself that she was actually part of this, not just watching from the outside. It wasn't that she'd felt left out, on the contrary, she'd felt so comfortable being pulled into this previously unknown aspect of their lives that she'd hardly noticed that she wasn't fully engaged.

"Oh… I don't know."

"I can order for you," Castle offered with a shrug. "Coffee with caramel?"

"Dad, you can get that anywhere," Alexis admonished with a shake of her head. "Two scoops of bananas foster. Trust me Kate."

"Okay."

"So am I correct in assuming this is the famous Detective Beckett?"

"Oh yes, I'm sorry. Si, this is Kate Beckett. Kate, this is Si Del Rossi. He's been supplying our ice-cream needs since Alexis was a baby."

"Wow, you must be really needing a day off by now."

"Hey!" Castle and Alexis chorused. Kate smiled and gave them a grin and slid onto a free stool, her eyes bugging out of her head when she saw who big two scoops of ice-cream actually were.

"Don't worry if you can't finish it. Si has doggy bags."

"Well that's good because I think I could eat on this for a week at least."

Alexis smiled and dug into her own dessert, seemingly forgetting that food was abhorrent to her right now.

"This is the best ice-cream ever," she announced, reaching across the counter for another plastic spoon. "Here, try some. Just don't eat too many of my gummy bears."

Kate laughed and took a bite, finding that pear ice-cream was much different than she'd expected but pleasant all the same.

"You look a lot better," she said after a moment, so only Alexis could hear her.

"I feel better. I mean, at least I know it's going to be better so that helps. And so does ice-cream."

Kate smiled, knowing that there was still a long journey ahead and they'd barely take the first step. Alexis was most probably faking the smile for the time being, but she did look much lighter. It wasn't a quick fix and it may never be something that would be without cracks in it. But there was a little part of Kate's heart that comforted her with the thought that it was something they would all do together. As a family.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I'm not totally sure how I feel about this chapter actually. I felt like it needed a little balance so I suppose review will tell me where I landed on that one.

* * *

"I present you coffee and a theory."

"When do you not?"

Castle chuckled and handed the blue mug to her, sitting down in his chair next to her desk and taking a sip of his own warm drink before he spoke.

"It's a Fluke."

"I know you too well to think that you're on the side of coincidence here, Castle. There is no Flukeworm on my suspect list, nor will there ever be."

"Flukeman, detective. Flukeman."

Kate sighed and rubbed at her temples, trying not to laugh. As much as Castle did help her investigations, there were times when she wished they could speed up the initial brainstorming sessions and get to his theories that actually held water.

"A Flukeman."

"Or woman. I don't want to offend."

"You make me tired," she said roughly, leaning back in her chair. Her sleep had been interrupted the night before; after getting back to the loft in the week hours and laying down next to him, he'd sleepily cuddled up to her much like a child to a beloved doll and she hadn't been able to shake him off. Under normal circumstances she wouldn't have minded the close proximity but she was tired and cranky and just wanted sleep. Morning had come quickly with a frustrated shout of "This is a stupid day!" from Alexis who had gotten into a 6 a.m. battle with the coffee maker and had lost horribly. Kate had padded out to the kitchen to find the young red-head scooping up wet coffee grounds from the floor and muttering under her breath. She held in her laughter as long as she could but exhaustion had pushed it out after a few seconds and she'd had to hold onto the counter for support. At first Alexis had glared at her but slowly she'd begun to laugh too, seeing the ridiculousness of the situation. They'd cleaned up together and made breakfast and Kate hadn't had a chance for more sleep since.

It was a moment before she realized that Castle hadn't responded to her slight dig and she glanced over at him, wondering if his pride was wounded. Instead he was staring contemplatively into his coffee cup, fingers tapping mindlessly against the ceramic.

"No rebuttal?"

"I couldn't think of one that wouldn't earn me a slug in the arm," he explained with a cheeky grin. "Anyway, Flukeman? There's evidence for the Jersey Devil, why not Flukey?"

"Castle, why don't we just wait until Lanie finishes the autopsy before we start throwing out ridiculous theories, huh?"

"I'm not throwing out ridiculous theories," he argued, shaking his head. "You're just not giving the theory a fair shot."

"Well fine, then I think we should focus our search on unicorns."

"Now you're being ridiculous."

"Oh, so only dangerous mythical creatures have any credence?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Yes."

Chuckling, she reached out for her ringing phone, finding that it was Alexis calling her. They normally exchanged text messages because it was faster, but the fact that it was a phone call made her hesitate just a little.

"Hey, what's up?"

"I need your help."

"Sure. What do you need?"

"I can't go."

"Go where?"

"To that counselor, Kate. I can't do it. My appointment's in an hour and I can't make myself go. I keep talking myself out of it. I need to go but I just…"

"Where are you?"

"By the fountain."

Kate nodded in understanding, getting up from her chair and grabbing her keys.

"Sit. I'll be there in a few."

She ended the call, gave a confused Castle a lame excuse, told Ryan she would be back in an hour, and slid into the elevator without another word.

She knew this feeling well, the fear of going and letting down walls for your own good. She knew how it felt to talk herself out of it and she knew that the first few times were quite possibly scarier than the things that had driven her to go in the first place. She knew all that and with every fiber of her being, she hated that it was happening to Alexis.

She made it to the park in record time, finding Alexis sitting by the fountain on a bench, knees pulled up to her chest, chin resting atop them. She watched her for a moment, trying to gauge her emotions so she could better prepare herself before she spoke.

"Hey."

"Kate," Alexis breathed, standing up from the bench and rushing to her. "I'm so sorry, I know you were at work and I just-"

"Stop. It's okay."

"No it's not okay."

"Yes it is."

Alexis let out a short sigh and Kate pulled her into a hug, forgetting the fact that it wasn't something either of them were entirely comfortable with. Right now it was the only thing she could think of that would help.

"Now who told you this was going to be easy?"

"No one."

"Then that means it's probably okay that it's not, correct?"

Alexis sighed and pulled away a little, her eyes full of tears as she nodded.

"I just don't want to bother you and-"

"That's enough. You're not a bother, you never will be a bother, and I would rather be here for you than not. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Now let's get going. We don't want you to be late."

They broke the hug and began to walk out of the park.

"Want to tell me what you're scared of?"

"I might find out something that I didn't want to know."

"Like what?"

"Just… the things that maybe I feel and think but I never actually confront."

"Despite the vagueness of that explanation, I think I know what you mean."

"You do?"

"Yeah. It's scary but it's healthy and you need to do this because you're always going to be wondering if you don't."

"I know."

"Now, I'll get you there but I'm not going to sit in the waiting room. As much as I want to, you need that space and you have to know that you can do this on your own. Okay?"

"Okay. Where did you tell dad you were going?"

"I made something up."

"You can tell him. I mean, would you tell him?"

"Alexis…"

"I don't think I can tell him myself. I don't want him to worry too much but if you tell him and if you can convince him that I'm okay, maybe… could you please just…"

"Okay, I'll tell him," Kate assured, twisting the end of Alexis' braid around her finger absentmindedly. "But he's going to want to talk to you about it."

"I know."

They stopped outside the office building and faced each other, Alexis looking slightly pale but better than she had a few minutes ago. Kate placed her hands on the girls small shoulders and made sure they had eye contact before she spoke.

"It's going to be alright again. I promise."

Alexis nodded and stepped forward quickly, wrapping her arms around Kate and holding on for dear life. For the first time in a long time she had no desire to be alone and was wishing she could be looked upon as a child rather than an adult, just to make things a little easier. But Katherine Beckett was the last person on earth who would ever call her a child and the first person to make her do hard things because they were good for her.

"Call me afterwards if you need to."

"I will."

"I love you."

The words came out with no hesitation, no stuttering, no second thoughts. They came as easily as if she were stating that the earth is round, or the sky is blue. Not that there was no meaning behind it or that it wasn't significant, but more like it was the most normal foregone conclusion that could have ever been reached.

"I love you too Kate. Thank you."

* * *

Castle sat on the couch and watched his daughter pace across the room, trying to formulate the words to explain just why she hadn't talked to him about everything before. He didn't want her to think he was mad about the omission and she didn't want him to think he'd done something wrong and they both knew that the wrong turn of phrase could send the entire conversation spiraling rapidly downward.

"Daddy, I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she started, pacing coming to an end. "I really wanted to. I almost did a few times but I just didn't want to worry you or disappoint you."

"Disappoint me?" he asked as she walked to the couch and sat down next to him.

"Yeah. I lied to you and I said I was fine and I was dealing with it. I didn't want you to know that I wasn't telling the truth."

He nodded in understanding because it was true, his first reaction probably would have been disappointment.

"But you could talk to Kate."

"She's been through this kind of thing before dad. It wasn't that I couldn't talk to you, it was just that I needed to talk to her and by the time I was done talking I just couldn't anymore and maybe I should have talked to you both at the same time but there's not really a rule-book for this is there?"

"No Pumpkin, there's not," he sighed, drawing her into a hug. "I'm not upset with you. Not disappointed. A little worried, but what father isn't?"

She smiled and he reassuringly kissed her forehead.

"I just want you to be okay and I want you to remember that I'm here for you no matter what. If you need to talk to Kate rather than me, that's fine. I just need you to know that I'm there."

"I know you are. But I need to include you anyway, even if it's not easy."

"I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

"Got time to hang out with me tonight?"

"Already cleared my schedule. What kind of movie marathon should we embark on tonight?"

"Well we've always talked about watching all the 007 films in order."

"Perfect. You find them, I'll make popcorn."

"Good plan."

"Is Kate coming over tonight? I'll make more if she is."

"Nah, she said she thought you and I could use a little time. Besides apparently Lanie was in desperate need of girl-talk."

"Oh, okay."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just got used to having her here."

"You didn't like it at first."

"It wasn't that I didn't like it dad," she sighed, opening the cupboard to get the popcorn. "It's that I had no idea what to think. I kept telling myself that I didn't want you to get hurt but I think I didn't want me to get hurt."

"And what about now?"

"Well dad she's put up with you for this long, she might be in it for good."

"Very funny."

"Oh darlings," Martha greeted, entering the loft in a flurry of costumes and scripts. "I have had such a day. Family movie night? Just what I need. I'll get the ice-cream."

She dropped everything on the floor at the foot of the stairs and started for the freezer determinedly, as if she had been thinking about this all day.

"Where's Katherine?"

"She's with Lanie," Castle supplied, wondering if her reaction was going to be the same as his daughters'.

"Oh. Well I supposed it will be a semi-family movie night then. Now where are those big spoons?"

He chuckled to himself, not amazed but still in a sense of awe that they were so readily accepting the woman he loved. Maybe it wasn't surprise so much as relief, but as he thought back, he couldn't ever remember dating a woman who had cared so much for his family too, and made an effort to be a part of things.

"Just a quick question. Do you two like Kate better than you like me?"

Alexis and Martha shared a look then averted their gaze from each other guiltily.

"You do!"

"Only on movie night!" Alexis assured. "She just… does better mocking voices than you do. It's really not your fault."

"So you're saying if I can learn to do better voices…"

"You could be on top again dad."

"Alright, alright. I'll work on it."

"Just remember, no matter how hard she tries, she can't do a Cartman voice. At least you've got that on her."

"Thanks for the perspective kiddo."

Alexis nodded and moved back to the kitchen to finish the popcorn while the DVD menu started up. Next movie night he'd make sure the whole family was together.


	6. Chapter 6

"Castle, would you hurry up?" Kate sighed, glancing into the study. "I don't want this to take all day."

"I know you don't which is precisely why I'm shopping on Amazon. Then we won't have to go to Babies R Us."

"You said you would help me pick out gifts for Ryan and Jenny's baby."

"Yes I did."

"And you and I both promised Alexis we would all spend the day together."

"Yes, but this way-"

She leaned over and closed his laptop, her face set in steely determination.

"Stand up, grab your wallet and let's go."

"You're so demanding," he whined.

Kate perched on the side of his desk, taking his hand and letting out a light sigh.

"Alexis had a bad night and she really needs to get out and do something normal. That's very important after hours of nightmares. You're not doing this for me, you're doing this for her. You're not going to pout and you're not going to be four either. Do you understand?"

He nodded with a smile, reaching over and pulling her into his lap.

"Thanks for loving my kid."

"It's easier than loving you," she teased. "Now come on, up we go."

They stood up from the chair and she pulled him out of the room, handing him a cup of coffee when they reached the kitchen.

"So if I'm a good boy and I don't get in the way, can you promise me that as soon as we're done we'll get some lunch and maybe do something that's actually fun?"

"I can promise you that when we get to that point we'll revisit our options, okay?"

"So diplomatic."

"I'm finding that I have to be."

"Have to be what?" Alexis asked, coming down the stairs with a list in her hand.

"On my toes. Constantly. Ready to go?"

"Yeah."

"What's that list?" Castle asked, peeking over her shoulder to see.

"Baby registry," she answered, while they both gave her looks of confusion. "They made a list of what they need and when you buy it, it comes off the list so they don't get fifteen crib bumpers and no boppy pillows."

"And just how do you know what those things are?"

"Dad, we're talking about baby accessories, not street drugs. Take a breath."

Kate turned away and pressed her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. It always amused her when they went head to head like this and she was tempted to throw something extra into the mix just to make Castle's head explode, but she decided against it at the last moment.

"Alright, let's go. Get this over with."

"Did you ever go shopping like this for me?" Alexis asked, grabbing her purse and heading for the door.

"I uh… not really."

"Don't tell me mom did it."

"Well she meant to. I think she really did. She came back with three baby outfits and a new maternity wardrobe for herself. I asked her what she was thinking and she got very hormonal and told me that she decided that she wouldn't mind giving up her body if she could have new clothes."

"Oh wow."

"She got better after a few weeks. Once all her dignity was gone because she was puking all day, every day, the instincts kicked in."

"And then she went shopping?"

"Meredith was always shopping, but she honed her baby supplies skills over the next few months. She forgot what she bought a lot though and I didn't have the heart or the courage to tell her that she had two cribs and three high chairs."

"What did you do with all the extras?"

"I donated them. She never noticed."

Kate could tell that Alexis had never heard these things before, maybe never even wondered about them and her eyes shone with curiosity as she hung on her father's every word. It was like she was discovering some well-kept secret for the first time and it seemed that she would be entertaining these thoughts for a long time.

"Was she excited?"

"To have a baby? Well, yes and no. She was looking forward to dressing you up and teaching you to be dramatic, but the actual giving birth part, not so much. She wanted a scheduled C-section and she wanted to be completely knocked out for it. When you had other plans about your arrival… well, let's just say I have never heard a woman swear so profusely before. She actually kicked me out of the room. Which didn't bother me, seeing as I was headed for the linoleum myself."

"Wow."

"Of course as soon as you were born she said "if I ever have to do a birthing scene, at least I have real life experience to draw from." So there's where you get your optimism."

Alexis chuckled as they got into the car, and while a little part of her felt like Kate was being left out of the conversation, she couldn't stop asking questions.

"Did she know what she was doing? I mean, once you brought me home."

"Not at all. Within ten minutes of walking through the door both of you were crying and I was on the phone with mother, begging her to come and help. She said she was hopeless with babies and I said I was still alive so that was a decent track record and she needed to get there now. When I hung up the phone your mom started screaming at me unintelligibly and calling me names so I pushed her into the bedroom and shut the door. Then you went silent and looked up at me and I swear you winked."

"Conspirators from the start," Kate chuckled, thinking her heart might actually burst from hearing these stories. She never gave a lot of thought to being a mother, but the desire to see Castle with a tiny baby was enough to make her curl her toes in delight.

"Did I cry a lot?"

"No, actually after that first event you were a pretty easy going baby. You could lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling for hours and be perfectly content, which worked out well since your mom did aerobics obsessively as soon as she could stand up properly. She said she was going to get her pre-baby body back as soon as possible because she didn't want you growing up feeling guilty for making her look the way she did."

"Well that's oddly considerate."

"I still think she was crazy."

"I'm sure you didn't take to parenting like a duck to water either, Castle," Kate reminded him with a grin.

"Hey, I was really good at the Bouncy and the Airplane, I just didn't know that you had to wait so long before letting a baby have solids."

"Dad?"

"You choked on a Cheerio when you were three weeks old. I wasn't the most knowledgeable about that kind of stuff. And then I was afraid someone would call CPS so I stayed up for three nights reading every book about caring for infants that I could get my hands on. And that my dear is where you get your studiousness."

"So you're saying my GPA happened because you almost killed me?"

"Yes."

"Alright then."

"Please don't let this information affect my Father's Day gifts now, okay?"

"Oh don't worry dad. That's not what this information will affect."

* * *

"Castle would you stop putting things into the cart that aren't on the list?"

"How can it not be on the list? It's a baby accoutrement isn't it?"

"Yes it is but I highly doubt Jenny and Ryan registered for them."

"Why not?" he asked, pulling the box out of the cart. "Don't they need… breast pads? Oh gross!"

"This is so not a safe aisle for us," Alexis sighed, picking the box up off the floor and putting it back on the shelf.

"Castle, I know you've told us about your parenting blunders but you did eventually get a hang of the dad thing, as evidenced by this living creature standing before us now. Tell me how you can be this clueless."

"I was a father, Kate. I didn't have those… lactating… devices."

"Devices?"

"What?"

"How can this bother you?"

"I don't know!"

"You are the most creative man I have ever met; you even bedazzled my gun holster, but you can't think of a gift for a baby? While we're standing in a store dedicated to _babies_?"

"You think it would like a bedazzled gun holster?"

Kate sighed and Alexis turned away hiding her embarrassment that they were having an argument in the lactation aisle and her father was holding a tube of "My Breast Friend" cream. The scene was ridiculous and she silently took the tube from him, pulling it back on the shelf, then grabbing the cart and heading out of the aisle.

"Oscar, Felix, let's move on."

There was a moment of silence and then laughter as they followed her over to the next aisle.

"Okay now I would love to be a baby," Castle announced, holding up a sponge bathing cushion. "They make foam molded to your body so your bathing experience is even more relaxing. Babies have it so good. In fact, I think I am going to invest in an adult sized bathing cushion."

"That's disgusting," Kate said, crinkling her nose.

"But genius."

"Sure."

"Oh look hooded towels!"

"Castle, please don't-"

Her pleading fell on deaf ears as he pulled a hooded towel off the shelf and put it on like a cape.

"I am Captain America."

"You are embarrassing, dad."

"Wounded by my own flesh and blood."

"The real Captain America would be able to withstand that. Kate, can we go put him in the car? Crack the window and make sure he has a cup of water?"

"We can try, but I think I'd have to throw kibble in there to convince him."

"You two are horrible and mean and I can't take it anymore."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"I'm going to go look at the toys."

Without another glance he walked off and the girls rolled their eyes at each other.

"How long do you think until he comes back asking which action figure to get?"

"Five minutes."

"I think it would be a lot easier to figure out what to get if Ryan and Jenny knew what they were having," Kate mused glancing at two items that were exactly the same except for the color. "Or maybe if we didn't categorize gender by pink or blue."

"Oh, but green is the new pink, didn't you hear?"

"Then what's the new blue?"

"Yellow I think."

"I thought blue was the new yellow, do they just swap?"

"I had to stop for a purple traffic light today."

"Until it turned pink."

"My head hurts."

Kate chuckled and moved down the aisle while Alexis sighed, a strange sadness washing over her in that moment. In the last few weeks she'd gotten so used to the way things were, how the family had changed for what she was now accepting as the better. But standing here looking at baby swings and car seats, she couldn't help wondering when the next change was going to come. How long would she stay comfortable in this before there was another change? What kind of struggle would she have coming to grips with something that big? She was an adult now but she'd never been very good at sharing. If it ever came time, would she be able to make room? And where would she herself end up?

"Hey, you coming?" Kate asked, breaking into her internal wonderings.

"Yeah. I was just thinking about a bedazzled Diaper Genie."

"Don't give your dad any ideas."

"Oh don't worry."

"You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Look they have diaper bags specifically for dads."

"Okay, that's perfect. They have a Mets one."

"I say we get it."

"I agree. Now maybe some gender neutral outfits and we can get out of here with our sanity."

"Good plan."

* * *

"If he can get those presents wrapped well, then I vote for chalking this outing up as successful," Kate suggested pulling some vegetables out of the fridge.

"Didn't he tell you that he did a stint with the Boy Scouts?"

"What?"

"Of course it was before they were political and it only lasted a few months, but he was there for a Christmas season, which means he can wrap presents like no one's business."

"I guess we're successful then."

"Successful enough to replicate at a later date?"

"What do you mean?"

"I was just thinking next time when we're shopping for your baby, it's going to be really hard to get dad to not buy the entire store."

"Alexis… I'm not… I just… we don't even… haven't…"

"Your face just turned twelve different shades of red."

"That was mean."

"Do you think about it?"

"No, not really. Maybe once or twice but… why are you asking?"

"To make you make that face. And because I wanted to know."

Kate nodded and found that her hands had a slight tremor in them; she was just now getting entirely comfortable in all aspects of the relationship and she knew that it wasn't time to add something else into the mix, whether they came to the conclusion that they wanted it or not.

"Well anyway, at least we know that the shopping part works alright," Alexis said after a few uncomfortable seconds. "You want guacamole on these tacos?"

"Oh. Yeah sure."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay. Really, it's fine, I just… wasn't really thinking about that."

"I will try not to spin your world out of orbit again."

"Thank you for that."

"Pretend it never happened?"

"At least for now."

"I have conquered!" came Castle's voice from the other room. "I have walked the precipice of wrapping disaster and I have returned unscathed. I have conducted a symphony of paper and tape that would make Martha Stewart tremble in her Keds. When I left the wrapping table many years ago I was but a learner and now I am the master!"

He came into the room carrying perfectly wrapped gifts in one arm while he raised a triumphant fist with the other.

"King Richard the Melodramatic," Kate chuckled. Most times she would have rolled her eyes and said something about him being his mother's son, but more and more often his antics caused her laughter rather than annoyance.

Alexis didn't miss the way Kate's eyes were shining, nor was it lost on her how much her fathers childish and dramatic antics were appreciated instead of tolerated. She hadn't seen that before from anyone, her father being loved just as he was. Everyone always wanted to change him, but Kate didn't. Kate loved him just as he was, and the parts that she wasn't fond of, she accepted as things that made his good parts better. He'd never been valued so highly before, and as Alexis watched the unspoken moment between them, it was clear to her that Kate had never been looked upon like this either. Maybe that's what made love last.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: I'm kind of big puffy hearts in love with this chapter.

* * *

"Hey Pumpkin. How was your day?"

"It was fine. Where's Kate?"

"She's working for a couple more hours. Kicked me out because I kept making paper frogs and jumping them all over her desk. You alright?"

"Yes. Well, no. I'm not really sure."

Rather than question her further, he did what he'd learned in the last few months was significantly more effective. He stood up from his chair and crossed the room to her, taking her in his arms like she was a little girl again and holding her tightly for several minutes. He didn't say a word, didn't even silently ask her to spill her guts, he just stood.

Her soul reveled in the feeling of safety and for a moment every part that was hurting seemed to dim. No matter how old she got, she would always believe that her father could fix nearly everything, and that he made the sun rise in the mornings and could make a balloon reach the moon. He'd always been peace and security and today he stood as simplicity, the reminder that home was always there for her.

"What's wrong?"

"Just… things."

"You'd rather talk to Kate?" he asked, his voice not masking the hurt. It wasn't that he was jealous or that he didn't want the two of them to bond, but occasionally he wondered when Alexis would start to depend on him again.

"Not rather, dad. She just listens differently than you do. Lately I just need to spill everything out and organize it again before I can find the right words to talk to you and she really helps with that."

"Are you okay though?"

"I'm fine. Nothing to worry about."

"Okay. As soon as you're ready, I'll have ice-cream waiting."

"Thank you daddy. I'm going to go lay down for a bit."

"Want me to send Kate up when she gets here?"

"Please. I love you."

"I love you too Pumpkin."

He kissed her forehead then let her go, and she climbed the stairs to her bedroom, shutting the door quietly. She had things to get done- a resume to finish revising, cover letters to write, and course work for her summer classes to start. But for the first time in her life, her to-do list wasn't nearly as important as climbing beneath her covers and sleeping off a trying day.

* * *

"Alexis? You awake?"

Alexis rolled over and yawned, noting the position of the sun and its indication of how long she'd slept.

"I'm awake."

"Your dad said you wanted to talk to me."

She nodded and sat up, rubbing her eyes and indicating the bed next to her where Kate took a tentative seat.

"What's up?"

"Ashley is engaged," she confessed quietly, eyes downcast.

"Oh, that's gotta hurt."

"I don't love him, I don't want to be with him, but for some reason when I found out it was like a punch to the gut. It shouldn't bother me. Other than the fact that I think he's entirely too young to get married, it should be a non-issue. Instead…" she trailed off weakly, hand falling back into her lap.

"Instead you're sleeping in the middle of the day and wrinkling your nose to keep from crying."

"Why?"

"Because it's a change, Alexis. Because no matter how you've moved on, you did love him once. Things like that aren't easy, honey. And don't get upset, but if you're honest with yourself, there's a little part of you that would like that stability, isn't there?"

"No," Alexis answered quickly, sniffling and resting her head in Kate's lap. "Why do you think that?"

"I don't know. I just get the feeling that his life looks pretty happy and easy right now and that little girl in you wonders if everything would be that way for you, if you would have stayed with him."

"You know, if the cop thing doesn't work out for you…"

Kate smiled and tucked Alexis' hair behind her ear.

"It's okay to feel whatever you feel. You don't have to explain it to anyone else and you don't even have to fully understand it yourself."

There was a long pause and Alexis regained some of her composure, not thinking as she composed her next sentence.

"I don't want to hate you."

"What?"

Alexis sat up and swiped at her eyes, then stared hard at the woman in front of her, wondering why she suddenly felt so nauseous.

"I had an appointment this morning," she started slowly. "We were talking about all the things that have happened in the last few years and even though I know most of it's not your fault and even though we've talked through a lot of things, I felt myself getting so mad at you. I don't want that and it's not fair but I couldn't stop it. I started to hate you. I don't want it to be like it was before. I need you."

"Alexis, you will always have me whether you hate me or not."

"Then I realized how much I worry. What if something happens? It's not just dad I worry about anymore, it's you too. Every time you two are on a case I get so stressed that I can't sleep. I'm so afraid something bad will happen, I mean what are the odds that you guys will cheat death again? I don't know how to stop worrying and I don't know how to lie to myself and say everything is fine."

"I don't know either. All I can promise you is that we're always careful. Your dads' first priority is coming home to you."

"It still scares me."

"It probably always will. No one will ever be able to say anything that makes it better."

"I haven't slept in three nights because you guys have been out there and every time I close my eyes all I can think about is the knock on the door or the phone call and the hospital and blood and I can't make it stop. And then I get so mad because if it wasn't for you then I wouldn't feel like this but I know it's not your fault, my dad wanted to follow you in the first place. And I know you would do everything you could to keep him safe and I feel guilty because it's not fair to be mad at you. And then it just cycles back to the fact that I need you and I couldn't lose either one of you."

Kate didn't have anything to say that would help so she stayed quiet while Alexis composed herself.

"What do I do?"

"I don't know. I think you just have to find a way to deal with it. Things are harder for you right now so maybe it feels like it will always be like this, but I know it won't be. Things even out and you figure out ways to cope."

"What kinds of ways?"

Kate was quiet again, mulling over the answer in her mind, wondering if it was the best one at the moment. It might be a shot in the dark, but something was telling her it just might work.

"Want to take a trip with me?"

"Where?"

"Out of the city. We'll take a long weekend, me and you and your dad. Forget the bad stuff for a while and just relax. It will give you a little fuel to deal with everything when you come back. Can you get away this weekend?"

"Probably. Can you?"

"I may have a few smudges on my record but I've still got some pull. You want to go?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'll get everything ready. We can get out of here and you can deal with some of this stuff at your own pace. As for the worrying, the case we're on right now isn't dangerous. We're both safe, I promise you that right now. I don't know how to help the worrying in the future, but for now I want you to know that everything is just fine."

"Okay."

"Honey, I don't want you to feel like today is a setback. It's just a speed bump. You just reached a point in the healing where you ran into something else to work through. You have more resources now to deal with things than you did at the beginning. This isn't something you should let pull you off course."

"How did you know I was worried about that?"

"Because it's something I worry about for myself every time I have a hard day."

"It's kind of strange how you can talk to me for ten minutes and I feel human again."

"I have a gift. Don't tell anyone."

"I love you Kate."

"I love you too honey."

* * *

"Why do you two insist on watching not only tragedies, but period pieces with singing?" Castle whined, pulling at his eyelids in frustration.

"Castle, this is the most-"

"No, I don't want to hear it. Hugh Jackman is Wolverine, he's not supposed to sing everything he says."

"But-"

"And Anne Hathaway is Catwoman."

"Dad would you just shush?"

"You have it turned up so loud!"

"Because you won't shut up!"

"Well if you hadn't laughed at my _Master and Commander_ joke at the beginning I wouldn't have been encouraged to keep talking."

"Castle, I'm going to have to pause it and start over because you're messing up the flow."

"Okay, okay!"

They continued the movie in silence for a few minutes, while Castle made the coasters dance across his lap.

"I think Enjolras is just jealous that he's never had a woman," Alexis chuckled. "That or he wants Marius to fall in love with him."

"Most guys that age run around a locker room whipping each other with towels. French Revolutionaries sing about their emotions as different colors."

"Hey Marius, totally know you're in love and all, but you're an adult now. It's time to Occupy France."  
"I don't care that you really, really need some lovin'. You're the quickest draw here."

"How come I can't talk during the movie and you two can?" Castle asked, exasperated.

"It's different when we do it."

"Yeah, you were talking through the parts we talked through last time, so it's been longer since we've seen them."

"You've watched this movie more than once?"

"We've watched this movie more than five times."

"Why?"

"Because it's good! You'd know that if you'd shut up and pay attention, dad."

He groaned and stood up from the couch, heading into the kitchen and figuring he was going to need some dessert to get through the rest of this.

"I never had you pegged as a fan of musicals," Alexis conceded after a moment, quietly.

"Confession time," Kate sighed. "My mom was in the stage production when I was little. She just did it for fun one season. She didn't have a big part, just in the chorus, but I used to go with her and sit in the dressing room during rehearsals and every night when they performed I'd be in the middle of the theater with my eyes glued to the stage, waiting to pick her out of the crowd. I remember wondering how humans could create something so beautiful and perfect out of a story of misery. My mom talked about that a lot; fighting injustice, standing up for those who suffer. I think it was this story that lead her to do all that she did. Once I got older and I understood more of the story, it was like I finally got to know her a little more. So every time I read the book or see the show or watch the movie or turn the soundtrack on as loud as it will go, it's like I remember all the reasons why."

Alexis was quiet; she'd always been under the impression that talking about Kate's mother in any way was bad, that every memory brought sadness and Johanna should never be brought up. But that seemed to not be the case at all.

"Did… did you ever tell her that?"

"No. By the time I put it all together, she was already gone. I think she knew though. I think she made it a big part of my life because she knew I would need it. Not that she had some premonition of what was going to happen to her, but I think she knew that I would need the reasons at some point in my life. She often gave me little bits of advice that were completely out of context but made sense later."

"Like what?"

"On my eighth birthday she woke me up, opened the window in my bedroom, then laid down with me and told me to listen hard. At first I thought that she meant I should be listening to the birds outside but then she said "Always listen Katie. Especially when you don't want to." I think about that a lot. Listening to understand rather that to reply. Listening when you're busy. Listening when you think you don't care. Listening when you care so much that it hurts. There were times that I was upset with your dad and I didn't want to listen to him but I did anyway because she told me to. And maybe it didn't solve everything but it helps. I never would have stopped to listen to him if I didn't have her voice in my head telling me to."

"What was she like?"

Kate sighed softly and got a faraway look in her eyes as she tried to come up with the words. So often all anyone ever talked about was how and why her mother had died, rather than how she'd lived. Johanna Beckett was so much more than her death, so much more than her career even. It wasn't often that Kate got a chance to share any of that and now that the chance was sitting there before her, she wasn't sure which part to tell first.

"She always smelled like lemons and mint. She hummed a lot, especially when I was little. Part of her was always moving, her feet would twitch when she was sitting down and I remember that my dad used to grab them just to see what she'd start moving instead. She had this amazing laugh, it seemed like it just filled you all the way up from your toes and you couldn't help but laugh too. She was strict with me but she was fair. She never fought with me or told me I was never leaving my room again, but she was very clear about being disappointed in me. She could run circles around my dad, prattling on and on, not letting him get a word in edgewise, until he agreed to something but had no clue what had just happened. She loved to bake, I remember her hands always being dry from the flour. She had an old apron that was ripped and faded but she never wanted a new one, said the old one had been there for one thousand pies and it would be there for one thousand more. She held onto things for the memories but she hardly ever explained what they meant or why she kept them. I guess it was her way of having a secret. And she always knew just what to say. Even if that meant keeping quiet, she seemed to have some kind of sixth sense about what people needed. She was always so warm and gentle, it was like she could fix every problem in the world."

"I wish I could have known her."

"Oh Alexis, she would have loved you. Probably would have said you were the most precious thing in the world. There would have been cheek pinching, no matter how old you were."

"Do you miss her a lot?"

"Yeah. Most of the time it's not too bad, I've learned how to deal with it. But there are times when I wonder what she would have done or what she would have said and I worry that what I do or say is wrong because it's not what she would have done. There's times I wish I could call her up and vent about something or talk about nothing or just know that she's there on the other end of the line."

"What do you think she would say about you and dad?"

"Probably "Thank the good Lord this one actually has a pulse!" She always said there was no use falling in love with someone who had never fallen in love with anything else in their life. She said if you had no passions for anything but love, then you were as poor as a man who had never been loved a day in his life. Always told me to date someone who was full of sass and ginger. I think I know what she meant now."

"You say as you stare dreamily at the middle aged-man reenacting _Risky Business_ in the kitchen."

Kate blushed and nodded.

"Thanks for telling me about her, Kate."

"Thanks for asking."


	8. Chapter 8

"So you have sunscreen?"

"Yes."

"Extra water?"

"Yes."

"Food? Flares? A GPS? First Aid Kit? Flashlight? Duct tape?"

"Duct tape?"

"In case your radiator hoses spring a leak."

"Castle, we'll be fine. The road we're taking is fairly populated and we'll only be there one night before you join us. Of course, you could just blow off this meeting and leave with us right now."

"You know I can't."

"Then stop making that face. All you're going to miss is lots of singing along to the radio and eating junk food."

Castle sighed and poured some coffee into two commuter mugs, wishing he didn't have to go to a long boring meeting about the future of the Nikki Heat series or his interest in staying with Black Pawn. To be honest, right now he didn't have any answers as to what his future would look like. He would obviously continue writing once he was sure Nikki Heat was done, but he didn't know if he would ever write for publication again. It seemed time for a change. Maybe he would write under a pseudonym for a while.

"Besides when it comes to emergency situations, who is better equipped to survive? That would be me."

"Yeah, but which of us has watched more _McGyver_?"

"Stop worrying."

"This is the first time Alexis has really been away from me since Paris," he confessed, pulling the fridge open to poke his head inside under the guise of looking for creamer, when really he was more interested in masking his fears.

"I know," Kate answered softly, coming to stand beside him. She pulled him away from the fridge and closed it, making him look at her.

"She's going to be fine. She needs to get away."

"Are you sure she's going because she wants to? It's not just because she doesn't want to disappoint you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

"Castle, I've asked her several times if she really wants to go and she said yes. She doesn't seem like she doesn't want to. The only one who seems reluctant about this is you. Want to tell me why that is?"

His eyes shifted around and he shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm not reluctant."

"Richard."

He was half tempted to start a conversation about her casual use of his first name but all that was going to do is drive a nail into the coffin of his current insecurities.

"She likes you better than me!"

"Oh Castle she does not."

"Yes she does and you two gang up on me. You're insufferable."

"She doesn't like me better. In case you've forgotten, you're her dad and her best friend and her partner in crime rolled into one. I'm just your girlfriend who has infinitely better taste in clothes than you do and happens to provide her with higher quality chocolate."

"Just my girlfriend?"

"Yes. Besides what kind of shenanigans do you think we're going to get up to in 24 hours without your calming and mature influence?"

"Point taken."

"You're just sad that you're missing out and you'll be stuck in a meeting while we're road tripping. Stop pouting."

"But I have a face made for pouting!"

"You have a face made for radio," she retorted, grabbing a plastic bag of fruit from the fridge. "If you really want us to wait all day for you, we will."

"No, go ahead. Leave me here. Go bond, whatever."

"Okay. Hand me those napkins?"

He sighed and helped her pack up the rest of the food, sliding some motion sickness pills into the bag just in case Alexis found herself feeling green three hours down the road.

"Looks like you're all set. Just need your co-pilot."

"Yeah. And my shoes."

"I'll go get her, you can get your shoes."

She nodded and went in search of some sandals while Castle climbed the stairs to Alexis' room, finding her struggling to get her hair into an elastic band.

"Are you almost ready to go?"

"Yeah almost."

"You need some help there?"

"You haven't done my hair since I was five."

"I took a sabbatical, I didn't quit," he chuckled softly, moving across the floor to her. "I may be a little rusty but I might have more luck than you."

He made quick work of her hair, pressing a kiss to her cheek when he was done.

"Beautiful."

"Thanks dad."

"You ready to go?"

"Yeah. And you're coming up first thing tomorrow morning right?"

"Yes."

"Good. Because Kate said we're going fishing and I need you there to talk her out of it."

"It depends on if she has waders or not."

"Oh geez."

He laughed and helped her up from her chair, grabbing her bag off the bed, briefly wondering if Monkey Bunkey was stuffed in the bottom, and led the way downstairs.

"You're going to drive safe, right?"

The look Kate shot across the room at him was enough to make him visibly squirm.

"I'll take that as a yes. Alexis, mind your manners, Katherine, don't you dare tell her any stories of your wild days and both of you, don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"That leaves us with so many options."

"Are you trying to make me crazy?"

"Yes."

"Maybe I'm glad you're leaving."

"Good, we'll get out then. Be good."

He kissed them both goodbye and they left the loft, heading for the car.

"You want to drive?" Kate asked, once they had everything loaded.

"I… I still haven't gotten my license, I only have my permit."

"You have to practice sometime."

"I know but…"

"How about once we get out of the city?"

"Maybe."

"Alright. You can at least pick the music then. Just no One Direction."

"Don't even worry."

"I was pretty sure it was a safe bet but I had to make sure anyway."

"Everyone has their vices," Alexis agreed, punching the button to turn the radio on. "But mine lies more with Ed Sheeran, to be perfectly honest."

"I sometimes listen to more Celine Dion than is healthy for a normal person."

"That's okay, no one said you were normal."

"Sometimes Cher too."

Alexis wrinkled her nose then shook her head, settling on an oldies station at least for now.

"All set Kate. Gun it and hope for the best!"

* * *

"Okay, I am taking the beef jerky away now."

"What? Why?"

"You ate an entire pound and then opened another bag!"

Kate moved the bag of jerky to her other side but Alexis leaned over the car and stole it anyway.

"It's too much salt, you'll get puffy."

"Fine, give me that marshmallow rope thing."

"That's not any better."

"I get hungry when I drive."

"You need water. And soon, possibly a barf bucket."

"You're just jealous of my gluttony skills."

"Maybe," Alexis shrugged, stabbing the slender yellow straw into the middle of her CapriSun. "I'm kind of jonesing for surf and turf. Like the big platter that comes with a potato and like seven dinner rolls."

"I don't think I could eat any more cow."

"We could split it. I'll have the turf and you can have the surf."

"Okay."

"How much longer until we get there?"

"Depends. If you're going to keep tweeting every embarrassing song I sing along to then we're quitting and camping on the side of the road."

"I'll stop. But that doesn't mean that dad and Detective Ryan aren't replying to the ones I already did."

"Alexis!"

"Although when you do go back to work, if you're met with a rousing rendition of "Poker Face" I'm really sorry."

"I'm a good sport, I'm a good sport, I'm a good sport…"

"Plus, all this really does is showcase your prowess when it comes to many varieties of music."

"And I had kept my prowess a secret for so long."

"Secrets have a way of coming out. This makes up for your abysmal score at _Seinfeld Scene-it_."

"You're just a barrel of laughs aren't you?"

Alexis chuckled, knowing their banter never had even a hint of malice in it. Some people might see it as sarcastic and a bit too much, but it worked for them. Formalities and manners had been lost a while ago and it seemed that things were easier without them.

"Okay so I'm thinking that we'll get there in time for a late lunch, which means we can go grocery shopping right away or I can introduce you to the best Mexican food you've ever had in your life."

"I'll have to think about it. Maybe flip a coin."

"Or make a pro and con list?"

"You're mean."

"Maybe I'll get you one of those things… you know. With the things on each side and you fill them with… you know what I mean. Why can't I think of the word? It's for balancing out the weights."

"A weight and balance scale perchance?"

"Yes."

Alexis tried to hold back her laugh but after a moment it broke free.

"You looked so confused," she chuckled, shaking her head. "I've never seen you quite so befuddled before."

"I've been driving for four hours, I might be a little punch drunk."

"Has it really been four hours?"

"It took us over an hour to get out of the city."

"I think your road rage was worth it. And I can't believe you brake-checked that guy. I'm pretty sure his toupee really did fly off."

"He certainly looked mad enough."

"I'm still not sure what you meant when you called that one girl a lane whore."

"She was riding the middle line like… I probably shouldn't have said that in front of you."

"I'm not twelve, Kate. I've probably said worse."

"Maybe but you shouldn't hear stuff like that from me."

"Apparently you've never been around Gram when she's drunk."

"Swears like a sailor?"

"On leave."

"She's so colorful."

"She knows."

"I'm getting highway hypnosis," Kate sighed after a moment. "I think I'm going to pull in to this stop."

"Maybe they'll have coffee."

"The crappier the better."

Alexis smiled and leaned against the seat while they pulled into the parking lot, the car finally coming to a stop. She yawned and undid the seatbelt, excusing herself to the bathroom while Kate went in search of coffee and called Castle to check in.

"Hey Lewis, how are you and Clark faring?" he greeted, sounding jealous.

"Just fine. She's a much better road trip companion that you are. She doesn't fiddle with the radio or the windshield wipers or the gear shift or anything. It's a nice change."

"You love me."

"Yeah, I do. When do you think you'll be heading up this direction?"

"Tomorrow, late morning probably. I think I'll have a driver take me so I can get some writing done and then we can all drive back together."

"That sounds good. Oh great, they do have coffee."

"Junkie."

"I know, it's a problem. Anyway, what are you writing?"

"It's a surprise. I'll let you read it when it's more than an idea."

"Thanks. I think we're going to hit the road again, but I'll call you when we get there."

"Okay. Drive safe, you've got my whole world in that car."

"I know. I love you."

"I love you too."

She hung up the phone just as Alexis came out of the bathroom, her eyes wide and amused.

"What?"

"I thought the soap was crack."

"What?!"

"I pushed the thing thinking it would be liquid soap and I just stood there panicking because it was powdered and for a split second I thought I had a handful of crack."

Kate giggled.

"Alexis, we should road-trip together all the time."

"Agreed."

* * *

"What in the world is that smell?"

"That, my dear, is nature."

"Oh man, no wonder people made cities so they could move away from this pungent odor."

Kate laughed and shook her head, popping the trunk of the car to get their things out.

"You'll get used to it. Just wait for the wind to change and all you'll smell is trees. Trust me."

"Okay."

They wrangled their bags in the door of the cabin and dropped them on the couch, both sighing with sudden exhaustion.

"I might be about to fall over and sleep for a whole day but I think the shopping on the way in was prudent because I have no desire to drive back into town tonight even if it is only a couple miles."

"I'll make lunch if you want," Alexis offered with a shrug. "Or at least, I will attempt to make lunch."

"Okay. My dad has been up here for the last week and he just left this morning so all the dishes should be clean."

"I'll go see what I can throw together."

She grabbed the grocery bags and went into the kitchen, dropping them on the counter and pulling out the items that needed to be kept cool. Filling her arms up, she went to the refrigerator, smiling at the note she found on the door.

_Katie,  
__Left some goodies for you girls in the freezer. There should be enough firewood for the weekend but if you need more, Hank said he could drop some by for you. Don't forget to count some stars.  
__Love you,  
__Dad_

Alexis smiled to herself; she'd met Jim Beckett a few times and had seen the love in his eyes when he looked at his daughter but she never suspected him of being sentimental. Making a mental note to ask Kate about the stars comment, she put the groceries away and made them each a sandwich, taking the plates out to the couch.

"What's that?" she asked, seeing a book open on Kate's lap.

"Old pictures. My dad keeps double prints of all of our family pictures here. He says if one place burns to the ground at least he has everything safe in the other place and the chances of both places is burning down is what he'd like to take to Vegas."

Alexis chuckled and sat down while Kate turned back to the first page.

"Your parents wedding?"

"Yeah. My mom always said that they danced all night, even after every last guest had left. That's one of my first memories, the two of them dancing in the kitchen. They always had music playing. All kinds, it never mattered, as long as it was there."

"You have your mothers smile."

"I do?"

"Yeah. See?" Alexis said, pointing to the picture of Johanna and a toddler Kate. "Twins."

"I don't think I've ever noticed actually, but yeah, it is the same."

"I don't think I have ever seen such fat cheeks on any child. Were you storing up for winter?"

"Must have been."

Alexis smiled as they went through the book, finding herself wishing once again that she could have known Johanna. Something about her, even just looking back from a picture, was so comforting and safe.

"I won't laugh at your hair, but honestly Kate what happened?"

"It was the 90's. Pretty sure I was wearing Hammer Pants too, if we're being truthful here."

"You're my hero."

"Thanks."

"So there's a note on the fridge from your dad. He said something about counting the stars."

Kate smiled a little and glanced down at the picture of her much younger self, dirty faced and laughing, arms thrown around her dad who looked delighted about whatever moment they seemed to be sharing.

"We used to always count the stars together. When I was little I was convinced that there was a star for every baby born in the world and every summer we spent up here, I would try and count them all to see if there were new babies that year. My dad bought me a telescope so I could count them better. We'd stand out there for hours counting and charting. My mom would poke her head out every once in a while tell us to come in because it was late or cold and my dad would always say "Oh Josie, live a little." She hated when he called her that and she'd go grumping away and he'd laugh and five minutes later she'd be back again. They used to bicker constantly like that. He'd tease her mercilessly until she got so fed up she'd be red in the face and he'd start laughing… It was never vicious of course, it was just the way they were."

"You and dad bicker like that too."

"We do?"

"The great aluminum foil imbroglio of 2013? The time he kept calling you all the Kate names from _Taming of the Shrew_?"

"I guess you're right."

Alexis turned to the last page, looking sadly at what seemed to be the very last family picture before Johanna had died. The family was sitting by the fireplace in matching striped Christmas pajamas complete with red sleeping caps, daughter flanked by her parents, all three happy and laughing, looking as if everything was right in the world.

"Beckett family tradition," Kate explained quietly. "My great-grandparents started it and everyone still does it. Matching pajamas. I don't know why, it's just a weird family thing I suppose."

"You haven't done it since, have you?"

"I got rid of mine," Kate confessed quietly. "I just couldn't…"

Alexis nodded and traced gently over the pictures.

"You never thought you could be that happy again did you?"

"No."

"Were you wrong?"

"Very wrong."

"Good."

"Want to go for a walk? I think I got my second wind."

"Not right now. I was going to call Max."

Kate smiled and stood up, taking their empty plates with her.

"I'll leave you to it then."

"Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for all of this."

"Any time."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I thought this story would be one chapter, then like three, and now I think I will have 5 to 10 more before I am done. It's going to wrap up much nicer this way.

* * *

Tossing and turning under the freshly washed sheets that night, Kate couldn't help but reflect on the last time she was in this cabin. She'd broken up with Josh, nursed herself back to health, and fought viciously with her father when he'd begged her to stop looking. And she'd left Castle. At the time it had been so easy to justify her actions but thinking back now made her realize how cold she'd been. She had needed time, that was true, but she should have, could have communicated a lot better. If she had just told him she needed some more time, or told him she couldn't talk about things he would have understood. But she just shut him down, shut him out. Made him feel worthless, as if all he had done for her didn't mean a thing. When it came down to it, he'd done more for her than she had ever done for him, muse or not. He'd saved her from herself and pulled her back from the brink more times than she cared to count and she had up and left him as if he was nothing more than a tag-along.

It was two years ago now but she still couldn't shake the fear that one day he was going to realize the weight of all that had happened and he would be gone. Mistrusting him wasn't fair either and no matter how she sliced it, the conclusion was the same. She had a lot of making up to do.

Figuring on a sleepless night, she threw the covers off of her and walked to the window, breathing in the fresh air and staring over the lake, just as she'd done so many nights before. She felt her mind meandering over thoughts of the passage of time, just as when she was a child and thought the stars marked births, she now contemplated what had remained the same in the last two years and what had changed. The trees were still the same, possibly had grown some but not enough to notice. The brush and grasses that lined the dirt paths were different but the same and the lake still lapped the shore with the same rhythm that had lulled her into sleep so many nights in her life. It all seemed the same, it all felt comforting and normal, but was it the same? She'd changed, she knew that as well as she knew anything, but was it enough?

At first she wasn't sure where the noise came from and quickly assumed it was an animal outside. But then it happened again and she knew it wasn't outside and it definitely wasn't an animal. It was Alexis in the middle of a nightmare and Kate had no idea what she should do. Her first instinct was to run in there and make sure she was okay but her second instinct was just to stay where she was and listen, let Alexis work through the nightmare on her own. She played both scenarios over in her head in the next few seconds before she made her decision, creeping quietly across the hall and opening the door.

The blankets were twisted up and Alexis was struggling against them whimpering with exhaustion. Kate turned the hallway light on and stepped into the room, crossing to the bed and trying to remember what in the world she was supposed to do here. Carefully she sat down in the chair next to the bed wishing that Alexis would pull herself out of the nightmare so she wouldn't have to figure out how to do it.

"No, please don't! Dad!"

Kate reached out and grabbed for Alexis' hand finding it cold and thinner than her own. She suddenly wondered just how frail Alexis was emotionally, especially when her guard was down like this. Was she really getting better like she claimed or was she just more used to it, didn't notice the struggles she was having?

"Alexis wake up, it's only a dream."

"Let me go! Let me out!"

"It's okay, you're safe. Wake up Alexis."

"No, please. Please not my dad!"

"Everything is alright Alexis," Kate said, moving from the chair to the side of the bed. "Everyone is safe."

She took in a shuddering breath, her whole body jerking into wakefulness as she sat up. It took her a moment to get her bearings again and when she finally did, she seemed to wilt into herself, breathing fast as if part of her was still stuck in that nightmare.

"You're okay, Alexis. Everyone is okay. Deep breaths."

"Did I wake you up?" she managed to squeak out after a moment.

"No, I was still awake. Your hands are shaking, are you cold?"

"It was just a really bad one."

She took a deep breath as if she was starting to get a handle on things again, but then burst into tears, completely overwhelmed. The dam was bursting and she was too tired to hold everything back right now. She needed to let go.

Kate reached out and pulled Alexis into her arms, remembering how hard the nightmares had always been for her and how it often helped to have someone there. She still didn't know if this level of comfort was her place but there was no harm in trying.

"I was in that cage again," Alexis said after a moment, sitting back and rubbing her eyes. "I'm always in that cage."

"What cage, sweetheart?"

"In P-Paris. I was… they put… I couldn't…"

"Take a breath honey."

"They kept me in a cage, Kate. I couldn't hide. I couldn't cry, I couldn't do anything and we're not supposed to talk about it. We have cover stories and so I go to therapy and I can't talk about the nightmares and I need to. This isn't working. I'm not getting any better."

"It takes time Alexis-"

"I know it takes time! I've been putting in the effort, I'm doing the best I can and it's not helping! There's nothing else I can do. Don't tell me it just takes time, Kate!"

"That's not all it takes, but I understand what you're saying. No one can tell you when it's been enough time. You have no way of knowing when you're approaching the time when you can say it's getting better. And that sucks. But it also means you're not working on anyone else's schedule. It's just you."

"I know it's just me! Do you think I can't tell that I'm doing this on my own? I'm not stupid, I know that it's gotten old and everyone thinks I should be over it by now."

"Alexis, listen to me," Kate starting, taking her shoulders and staring her down even in the darkness. "Your dad and I haven't gone anywhere. We're not going to. You're not on your own, we've been there every step of the way. If you need more from us then you need to say it. No one thinks you should be over it and if they do then they're ignorant. I know this isn't easy but I promise you, you're not alone. Do you hear me?"

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright. Sometimes you need to get mad. Sometimes you don't even know something is bothering you until you take it out on someone else."

"I'm so tired. I keep waiting for a night when I can sleep and then when it happens I have nightmares."

"I know."

"I can't take those sleeping pills, they make the nightmares worse. I went to bed happy, I thought that I was relaxed enough that I would be okay. I just don't think I'll ever be able to be back to normal."

"Not that I'm brushing it aside but normal is overrated."

"I know. Maybe functioning was the word I was looking for."

"Let's get up. You need a cup of tea."

"Why?"

"Because it helps."

It took a moment for Alexis to fight her way out of the tangled sheets but she finally escaped and they made their way down to the kitchen. Kate turned the kettle on to boil, then pulled the container of tea out of the cupboard. It wasn't until she flipped on the light over the sink that she noticed how red Alexis' eyes were, how thin and pale she still looked, and how old she seemed. Kate couldn't help but see a little of herself standing there and she wondered if there was any way to pull Alexis out of this faster than she herself had been able to crawl out of her own despair. The thought that it might not be possible sent a terrified shiver down her spine.

"Alexis, I know I've said it before but I really want you to hear me now. You're not doing this alone. I'll be right here until it's better and even after that. I promise you, someday things will feel normal again."

"I just don't have the strength to deal with it anymore."

"Yes you do. You're stronger than you think you are."

"I'm not. I've never had to do anything, Kate. Before this the worst thing I had to deal with was my mom. That's nothing compared to this. I don't know how to fight for myself."

"Yes you do. You've been doing it this whole time. I know it doesn't feel like progress but it is. Sometimes you need to stop thinking about whether you're okay or not and just be."

"That's why you brought me up here, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I'm going to try."

"That's all I ask. Why don't you go pick out a movie? No point in staying up if you can't enjoy it."

Alexis nodded and went into the other room, glancing at the bookshelf to see what kind of movies there were. They were all VHS, most of them she hadn't heard of, but one sparked her interest and she pulled it off the shelf, glancing at the cover as if seeing an old friend again after many years.

"Good choice," Kate said, setting their mugs on the coffee table and grabbing the remote. "It's always comforting to travel to Prince Edward Island."

"Anne with an E makes me proud to be a redhead," Alexis chuckled. "Though it is also because of her that I begged dad for puffed sleeves as a kid."

"I had three dolls named Cordelia. I think Anne Shirley permeates the life of any little girl that's lucky enough to know her."

"Much as Sara Crewe and Mary Lennox."

"Laura Ingalls."

"You know, there really are a lot of good books out there that people should be reading instead of _Twilight._"

"I completely agree."

They settled into the couch cozily as the old movie started up drinking their tea in silence for a while.

"Alexis?"

"Yeah?"

"You know you've got me, right? I'm not just saying it."

"I know. I just don't really feel like I deserve that."

"Why not?"

Alexis sighed and stared down into the tea watching as the loose leaves continued to bleed their color into the water. There were still so many things she kept to herself and never told anyone, mostly because she'd always been the caretaker in friendships but also because she was slowly realizing that she didn't have any really deep friendships. People faded in and out of her life constantly. She couldn't think of one friendship that had stood the test of time. Everyone had moved on and away.

"Well, what are you getting out of it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I just… you help me so much and I don't do anything in return. Why are you here, Kate? Why do you care?"

The question didn't come across as a challenge but more like true wondering why Kate was spending so much time on this. It was true bewilderment that she had someone on her side, someone who wasn't her dad or her grandmother, someone who could bow out without a second thought.

"I don't think it matters why I care, just that I do. You can't tell me that I'm part of the family then wonder why I act like it."

"But if I don't know why then how do I know you won't stop?"

"Do I give up? Really think about it. Have you ever known me to give up?"

"Not really."

"I'm not giving up on you either. There's nothing you could do that would make me stop caring about you and helping you okay?"

"But why?"

"Because Alexis, no one helped me. After my mom died, no one was there for me. I had to take care of my dad and pull myself up and get on with things alone. It changed me, and not in good ways. I don't want you to become what I was. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen. I don't want you to feel alone. Okay?"

"Okay."

"So I'm going to be here every time you need me and I'm going to check on you all the time and probably drive you crazy but I don't quit. Got it?"

Alexis nodded and Kate smiled a little, pulling the girl into a hug and holding on for a long moment.

"I love you and I promise you this will get better. I'm going to be there for you the whole time."

"I love you too."

* * *

"I can't this weekend. What about Wednesday? We could have dinner," Alexis suggested, running her fingers through her damp hair and hoping Max would agree to her idea.

"Dinner? Really?" he asked with half-fake surprise. "You've made my day and it's only seven!"

"You're goofy."

"I try. So you're out of town until Wednesday?"

"We said Sunday but then it was Monday and I am almost certain my dad will try for Tuesday so I'm saying Wednesday in the event that Kate gives in."

"Oh, gotcha. So why the random get-away?"

Alexis sighed and stared at herself in the steamy mirror, wondering how much to tell him about Ashley. Max had always been supportive and understanding, surely he wouldn't be upset by this would he? Then again, wouldn't she rather tell him in person?

"I had a bad day. I'll tell you more later but Kate sad I needed to get away so here we are."

"Do you feel better?"

"Much. I don't know if she's trying to cheer me up or if she's a bigger dork than I thought but I can see why her and my dad get along so well."

"When I met you, you didn't even like her," Max countered, the twinkle in his eye evident in his voice.

"I was younger then," she answered, only partly teasing, feeling like she wasn't that girl from a year ago at all.

"But?"

"I just wasn't in the mood for change. I don't think I didn't like her, I think I just didn't like my life much and she was about to become a bigger part of it. I was conflicted. But last night I had horrible dreams so we stayed up all night and at three in the morning we made cookies and danced around the kitchen with zero coordination. Whatever I thought she did wrong before, she's redeemed herself a dozen times over in the last three months."

"You really lucked out," Max said with a chuckle. "She listens to you and takes you on vacation and apparently forgets she's an adult and a cop just to make you laugh. When it comes to step-mothers, you really scored."

"She's not my step-mother."

"Okay then, your dad's girlfriend."

"That doesn't quite work either."

"Then what would you call her?"

"I don't know. Just Kate."

"Well then when it comes to Kate, you got spoiled."

"I know."

"You told her that lately?"

"Not really. I should."

"Maybe so. Hey, I gotta get to work. Can we talk on my lunch break?"

"Yes. I might nap later but I'll keep my phone on."

"Alright. I like you."

She laughed at his normal goodbye phrase and shook her head.

"I like you too. Bye."

They hung up and she smiled to herself, staring at his picture before the screen faded. Kate had been right, it was proving a better idea to keep letting him in, even if she wasn't entirely ready yet. He made her laugh and think about other things and it was nice to have support from someone who wasn't so close that they'd seen her at her worst. She found herself falling for him, which wasn't a surprise, just different. With Ashley and even with Owen, her crushes on them had been surges of wonder and excitement over this "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing being a reality in her life. After she'd broken up with Ashley she'd been disenchanted but at least she knew it was possible. Max had come out of nowhere and while she still felt some of those euphoric things, he was someone she could imagine building a real life with. He made her a better person, introduced her to new things in life and challenged and supported her in all that she did. She found herself able to do the same for him and she felt like that kind of give and take was indicative of a more adult relationship. Their ability to go on a break and still remain close just added to her list of pros about the relationship. She couldn't wait to become the person that he deserved to be with, but she knew that meant becoming a better person solely for herself too.

Stepping out of the bathroom she could hear singing from the kitchen and she turned her ear to the noise, wondering if it would bother Kate that she was listening in. Figuring all embarrassment had gone out the window long ago, she tip-toed down the stairs and peeked into the kitchen, grinning at the grown woman searching through the fridge with a sway in her hips, singing a Bob Dylan song as if nothing hard or horrible had ever happened in her world. Alexis leaned against the doorframe and watched, wondering if someday she herself could feel that free.

"Well the deputy walks on hard nails and the preacher rides a mount, but nothing really matters much it's doom alone that counts. And the one-eyed undertaker he blows a futile horn, "Come in" she said "I'll give you shelter from the storm." I've heard newborn babies wailing like a mourning dove, and old men with broken teeth stranded without love. Do I understand your question man is it hopeless and forlorn, "Come in" she said "I'll give you shelter from the storm.""

She finished the song then hummed for a while, pulling a carton of eggs out of the fridge, along with some chocolate milk. Clearly her tastes were not all mature. Alexis pushed herself off the wall and crossed the kitchen, the conversation she and Max had had buzzing around in her head.

"Kate?"

"Hey sweetie. I thought we'd have cinnamon rolls but the tube wouldn't pop so- what's this for?" she asked, startled at the tight hug she was suddenly wrapped in.

"Because."

"Just because?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Okay, I'll take it."

They only stood that way for a bit longer before Alexis broke away and found the coffee in the freezer, putting a pot on to brew. She wasn't sure what exactly had swept over her in that moment, or why she felt the need for connection but for the first time in her life she'd just gone with it. It wasn't the most comfortable thing, usually their hugs came with a reason, but she wasn't second guessing herself.

"Do you want… um, do you want some fruit with this?" Kate managed to ask. Clearly she'd been taken aback as well.

"Sure. I guess we can fake healthy for one meal."

"Such a sacrifice."

"Are you really making French Toast or is that a tease?"

"I really am. Your dad will kill me if I don't feed you properly."

"His idea of properly is to completely abolish the government's guidelines for daily intake."

"So don't tell him about the fruit."

"My lips are sealed."

They continued making breakfast, talking about nothing important and laughing over things that were suddenly inside jokes. It was comfortable and relaxing and for a while no one was thinking about nightmares or gunshots or murder. It was like nothing horrible had ever happened.

"I can't believe we found _Gilmore girls_ reruns on antenna TV at four a.m.," Alexis mused, pouring a cup of coffee. "It's such a pity it was season seven but really, I chalk it up to a win."

"I feel like we're talking a little faster this morning. And that the coffee is way stronger."

"I think I got distracted while I was making it. Is it bad?"

"No, it's good. I mean, it's no nutmeg sprinkles, Richard Simmons kind of java, but it's working wonders."

"I'm glad you're not experimenting with breakfast."

"Oh no, I'm a purist. No S'morelette's here. Gross."

"I also appreciate your fondness for bacon, though I don't think we can eat two whole pounds."

"We? What are you talking about, this is mine!"

"Oh boy."

"Did you hear that? Was that a car?"

"I think so. Dad wouldn't be here this early would he?"

"I don't think so," Kate shrugged, setting the tongs on the counter and heading to the front door. "I don't think he would have left early enough to be here now but you never know."

They opened the door and Alexis laughed happily at the sight of her dad, running down the porch steps to meet him.

"You're early."

"I know. I couldn't let my girls have too much fun without me. Did she make you fish yet?"

"No but she did get out the tackle box and there's some kind of clubbing device in there. I never thought fishing was so violent."

"I have a feeling we're both in for some firsts this weekend."

"I'm not swimming in that lake and if you pitch me into it so help me you're going to wish you hadn't."

"Oh am I?"

"Very much."

Kate leaned against the doorframe and watched the exchange between father and daughter, a little grin on her face. She often stood back and observed the two of them, amusement playing over her. She'd never seen a man love his child the way Richard Castle loved his daughter and she never tired of watching it either. She'd known from the beginning that what the two of them had was special and she'd vowed to never stand in the way of that. It didn't mean she couldn't be a part of things, but she had to remember that they had their own thing for years before she came along, and that Alexis would always be number one in her father's eyes. That was one of her favorite things about him, if she were making a list.

"So, what's for breakfast?" Castle asked, looking up at her with shining and tired eyes. "Do I smell bacon?"

"Yes but she's already laid claim to all of it. Maybe between the two of us we can convince her to share?"

"I don't know, she's pretty possessive."

"You two are very funny. There's another pound of bacon in the fridge, I think we'll avoid the Donner Party part two."

"Dodged a bullet there," Castle chuckled as they all went inside. "Oh and coffee, perfect."

"You might not want to have that."

"Kate! You said it was fine."

"I lied! I think I'm going to need dentures after drinking that, I just didn't want to hurt your feelings!"

"You really do love me," Alexis said, voice grumbly but eyes twinkling.

"Yes, enough to make a second batch of battery acid- I mean coffee."

"You're going to make me take a sobriety test before I make anything again aren't you?"

"Touch your nose, kiddo."

"Why do I get the feeling I'm missing something?" Castle asked, arching an eyebrow.

"You're always missing something dad. Catch up."

"That's what the tomato said when it crossed the street."

Kate laughed and Alexis shook her head.

"Well, here it goes."


	10. Chapter 10

Castle glanced over the top of his book at Kate, who was laying in the hammock on the porch, absorbed in her own novel but on the cusp of a nap as well. He watched her for a moment, the way her hair splayed out, how her ankles crossed, the shocking bright red of her toenails. He liked seeing her like this; casual and relaxed and in an element so different from the ones he normally saw her in.

Moving his gaze he focused a little further away, finding Alexis standing by the lake, skipping rocks with one hand and holding the phone with the other. He knew she was talking to Max, and had it not been for that fact, he could imagine she was seven years old again, long hair pulled into a tight braid, grass stains on her knees and not a care in the world.

A soft and sleepy sigh brought him back to the porch and the present and he smiled, nudging Kate's hip with his toe. She wrinkled her nose, lazily sliding her gaze from the page to him, squinting behind her sunglasses at the change in light.

"What?"

"You're falling asleep."

"Isn't that what vacations are for?"

"Yes."

"Then leave me to it."

"I don't want you to burn."

"I'm covered."

Smiling, he stood up from the chair and kissed her quickly, left his book on the side table and headed down the small incline to the lake. Alexis was just ending her conversation and she smiled when she saw him, handing him a perfectly smooth and round rock.

"Can't decide if I want to keep it or skip it," she explained, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Keep it. Memento."

She smiled and slipped the rock into the pocket of her shorts, then crouched down to find more.

"So how are you doing, Pumpkin?"

She stood up again, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth before answering.

"Better. I think."

"You think?"

"I keep thinking I'm getting better and then something happens and I realize maybe I'm not. Kate says it's normal and it's nothing to worry about but I don't like slow progress. So I'm trying not to check in with myself too much and just let it happen."

"That's probably a smart idea for now."

She shrugged and threw one more rock, her eyes lighting up when it skipped four times.

"This is better than the Hamptons," she confessed after a while. "I mean, I love it there but this is so much more peaceful. It's kind of away from everything."

"Yeah, I'm beginning to see that too."

"Last night for dinner we went to this Mexican restaurant and no one was dressed up, no one was on their phones and they only served one kind of generic beer. No one was trying to prove anything. Even the owner participated in terrible karaoke."

"I must pause this story and ask, did the two of you do karaoke?"

"No, definitely not. Though we did sit there and dare each other for half an hour."

"Carry on."

"Anyway, it's like a whole different world up here. At the grocery store hardly anyone was wearing shoes. And yeah, that's kind of gross but it seems like a really happy, easy way to live. I'm sure they've got problems too, but it doesn't seem like that affects their happiness as much. Maybe it's the fresh air or maybe it's because I am just so over the city right now, but I want to live here."

"You can't leave me!"

"Oh dad…"

He chuckled and pulled her into his arms, loving the fact that she didn't hesitate or shy away from the affection. She was getting better, even if she didn't feel like it.

"Well maybe we'll just have to get out of dodge more often."

"Maybe when I graduate I'll find a job in Colorado or something."

"Stop trying to kill me."

"You could come with me! You can write from anywhere dad. I mean, I don't want you holing up in the Overlook Hotel or anything but I'm sure there's inspiration everywhere."

"Hush, you."

She laughed a little but it soon faded and she sighed.

"We've never talked about what we'd do if I left. I could find a job after college that takes me far away from here."

"I don't like to think about that," he started, keeping his arm around her. "But there's planes and soon, I hope, teleportation. We would deal with it."

"I'd miss you too much. I know I wanted to go to California and London but now I know I couldn't handle it. I would still need you. Even talking every day wouldn't be enough."

"Then we would visit. Life changes, honey. I want you to go wherever you want to, wherever you need to. I can come and stay for months at a time if you want."

"I guess I'm just not ready for that right now."

"Well you don't have to be ready right now. You have three years to go, more if you decide to get your Masters. Don't stress yourself out."

"I'll try."

"For now I am going to labor under the delusion that after college you will move back in with me. Maybe Gram will have left by then."

"Dad! You know you actually love having her there."

"I wouldn't say love, but I would be sad to see her go, despite the external whooping for joy."

"That's better."

"Hey Pumpkin?"

"Yeah?"

"You know that theory about choosing your family before you're born?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Thanks for picking me."

"Any time, dad."

* * *

Maybe he'd spoken too soon. High off the feeling of getting the drop on Kate and throwing her in the lake, he'd promised to make a restaurant quality dinner for them. Running into town for overpriced lobster should have been his first indication that his idea wasn't so great, but he'd ignored it, choosing instead to focus on all the family moments that seemed to be cropping up.

Standing in the unfamiliar kitchen he looked around trying to figure out where the most likely place to store a large pot would be. Resigning himself to his fate, he started throwing open cupboards and drawers until he found what he was looking for. The kitchen seemed to be well stocked with supplies and soon he'd amassed almost everything he needed, with the exception of a garlic press. There had to be one here somewhere but there was no way he was going to go into the other room with his tail between his legs and actually ask Kate to help him. He had way too much pride for that.

On the other hand, withholding food from the girls could backfire; the sooner he had dinner on the table, the better. Weighing his options he searched one more time for the garlic press and gave the lobsters in the sink a suspicious look before heading into the living room.

Kate and Alexis were sitting at the old, out of tune piano, plunking out a clunky version of "Heart and Soul" and laughing at misplaced notes. Castle stood in the doorway watching them for a while, smiling because until this moment he didn't realize how well things were working.

Kate didn't try to be Alexis' mother or sister or best friend and Alexis didn't seem to want her to either. Whatever they'd come up with was going off without a hitch, and despite the novelist inside him looking out for a dramatic twist, he was certain the harmony would last. Watching them from the doorway though, he still caught a glimpse of something that had been lacking in their lives until they'd invited Kate Beckett into their family, and she in turn had invited them into hers. It was very clear to him that they were all better together.

Deciding to leave them to it, he went back into the kitchen and continued with dinner, humming to himself with a smile on his face that couldn't be undone.

* * *

"How come your marshmallows are perfect and mine look like they've been through the seventh level of hell?" Alexis grumped, scraping her marshmallow off the stick and into the campfire.

"You're trying to cook it too fast," Kate answered, handing her another marshmallow. "Don't put it in the fire."

"But I want a S'more now!"

"Patience, Grasshopper."

Alexis wrinkled her nose and went for more chocolate while Kate laughed.

"What? It's different when you make them over the stove!"

"I know. You got your concentration face from your father."

"Dad concentrates?"

"Hey!" Castle piped up from the next chair over where he'd been constructing a four layer S'more with different kinds of chocolate. The girls just looked at him, laughing because he just so happened to be concentrating at that very moment. He didn't pay them more mind than that, going back to his creation with a child-like fascination.

"So this one time at summer camp," Kate started, inspecting her stick of marshmallows. "I took a dare to jump off the roof of the mess hall and into a dumpster."

"That's disgusting! What did you land in?"

"Tuesday's lunch. Tuna noodle casserole and red Jell-o. It was warm."

"Gross! Why would you do that?"

"I was under the impression that real women don't say no to dares. Especially ones from a group of cute boys."

"What else did they get you to do?"

"Sneak a canoe out into the middle of the lake and sleep in it all night. Steal a bunch of care packages from peoples cabins. Hijack the loudspeaker and tell dirty jokes."

"How long was this camp?" Alexis laughed.

"A week."

"Geez, between you and dad I have no good role models. Come to think of it, add my mom and Gram into that and I still have no good role models."

"Hey, you've done pretty well. You had to have looked up to someone."

"I think it was Topanga."

Kate laughed and pulled her perfect marshmallows away from the hot coals, inspecting them before deciding they were ready and putting them on top of a graham cracker, then setting it closer to the fire before letting a piece of chocolate slowly melt over the top. She had more patience for S'mores than she did for almost anything else in life.

"So what are we doing tomorrow?" Alexis asked after a moment.

"Well, it's Father's day. I was thinking about running into town for a while and you guys can do your own thing."

"You don't want to join us?"

"It's not that I don't want to, I just figured you guys had your own tradition."

"We do. But that doesn't mean you can't be a part of it too."

Kate shook her head.

"Lots of things change but some things need to stay sacred."

"Thanks."

"Um," Kate started after a moment, leaning slightly closer to the radio to make sure her suspicions were correct. "Is he singing along to Justin Timberlake?"

"I think he is."

"Hey Castle?"

"Huh?"

"Timberlake?"

"What?"

"You're singing along to the JT."

"Oh. I sometimes listen to him when I write," he explained. "Not usually his older stuff, but some of his newer stuff is kind of classy. Sometimes when I have a block with Rook I need some musical inspiration."

Alexis was laughing behind her hand and Kate bit her lip to keep her composure.

"So what do you listen to when you're writing Nikki Heat? _I'm Every Woman_?"

Castle just scoffed and put the finishing touches on his S'more tower while Alexis held her sides and laughed.

"I just… I can only… the mental images are too much!"  
"What mental images?"

"All I can hear is the chorus of that song and dad dancing around the loft in drag."

"Hey, I'll have you know I look great as a woman. Put a bonnet on me and I look adorable."

"Okay. Brunhilda."

"I look better as a woman than you do as a man, Kate Beckett."

"I don't think that's something you really want to advertise."

"Yeah dad. Might get you beat up on the playground."

"Why are you two so mean to me?"

"We're preparing you for the playground, what do you think?"

"Okay, I am cutting off the coffee supply," he said, standing up and taking their mugs. "I don't know why I ever thought the two of you together would be a safe idea."

"You're an optimist."

"My Achilles Heel."

Alexis smiled at their banter, finding it a little piece of comfort that she hadn't known she was growing accustomed to. In other relationships her dad was always trying to woo the woman, keep her around, come up with romantic gestures or adventures or displays of wealth that would extend the relationship. With Kate, he didn't have to do that. The two of them could sit in silence or share a bag of microwave popcorn or watch hours of videos online of people falling down. Nothing fancy, no one trying to be anything they weren't. They were both comfortable and working to make their relationship better and stronger, not working to impress. It was refreshing and just what her dad had been needing.

Finishing off her dessert she stood up from the fire and stretched.

"I'm going to bed. Don't let him burn himself."

"I won't. Goodnight."

She made her way into the cabin while Castle got up from the ground, pulled up a chair next to Kate and showed her the S'more he'd made.

"See? Practice makes perfect."

"You're seven."

"I vow to forever keep you young. That's the perk of being with me. No new wrinkles."

She snorted a laugh and shook her head, glancing over at him with amusement.

"Seriously though, what would I do without you?"

"I'm glad you've asked that question. I want to make it very clear. Without me, you would cease to be you."

She knew he was being silly, at least partially, but she couldn't help thinking about how true his statement was. Without all he had done and all he had been, she wouldn't be the person she was today.

"Castle?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

"I know."

"Don't make the Han Solo about to get frozen into carbonite face when you say that."

"I love you too," he chuckled, reaching over to take her hand. "And if I did get frozen in carbonite I would expect you to wait for me. You know, to get unfrozen."

"I will do all I can to avoid being Jabba the Hutt's slave while you're gone."

"You could still wear the outfit."

Rolling her eyes she snuggled deeper into the chair, giving his hand a squeeze.

"At the risk of being labeled as someone who can never be serious, I want to make sure that you know that I love you too."

"I do know."

"And I want you to know that I'm thinking about forever."

"I am too."

"When we're both ready."

She nodded her agreement, glad he wasn't throwing her for a loop and suddenly proposing right here. She needed it to be something they discussed, something they talked about together and agreed on when the time was right.

"Until then, what we've got going now is pretty good."

"I agree."

"Want to see what else we can roast over the fire?"

"Absolutely."


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Sorry this chapter has taken me so long. My inspiration ran away along with my sanity and patience and I have been the schlub of writing for weeks. If you're still sticking with this, let me know! I really do have a plan, this chapter was just hard to write and certain characters don't ever say what I want them too. Stubborn. Also sorry it's a shorty. Let me know of anything you would like to read, sometimes that helps the brainwaves.

* * *

"Hey, thanks for letting me drive," Castle said, adjusting the mirrors and the seat. "I feel like this is a turning point in our relationship. You trust me on a whole new level now."

"No, I actually just didn't feel like sitting behind the wheel for four hours," Kate replied, kicking her feet up on the dashboard.

"So what, I'm your chauffer?"

"Better than my butler like last week."

"I only had the towel over my arm for fun, it didn't mean you had to call me Jeeves in front of the guys."

"It didn't mean you had to answer to it."

"What kind of peril would have befallen me if I hadn't?"

"I probably could have conjured up unlimited sass but that's about it."

"I quiver with fear."

"You will when I come up with something better."

"Danger, danger, danger."

"Lurking around every corner."

"Are the next four hours going to be like this?" Alexis asked, leaning forward from the back seat. "Because if they are, I'm going to need headphones."

"You think we're funny, admit it."

Alexis rolled her eyes but smiled and settled back into her seat, cracking a book open and putting her headphones in for the time being.

"So what's the driving home from the lake tradition that I need to follow?" Castle asked after a while, reaching over for Kate's hand.

"There really isn't one. Believe it or not."

"Excellent. So I have a favor to ask you."

"What kind of favor?"

"I need to get into Esposito's apartment and you have a key."

"Definitely not that easy. Why do you need to get in there?"

"To prank him. Once I think of a good prank, that is."

"Why do you have to prank him?" Kate asked, already coming up with at least three things that could be carried out very easily.

"He won a bet. Because he cheated."

"You two have to stop reverting to twelve year olds whenever I leave you alone."

"I'll remember that for next time but right now I need a prank. A really good one."

"Okay," she sighed, turning in her seat to face him. "You're going to get some concentrated dish soap and you're going to pour it in his toilet tank, and you're going to wait."

"That's evil."

"You asked! Besides it will probably be the first time he's cleaned his bathroom floor since moving in."

Castle smiled and nodded, picturing himself slipping in under the cover of night to perform the dastardly deed. It would be the perfect revenge for such blatant cheating.

"Hey Kate?" he started after a moment, giving her hand a squeeze.

"Hmm?"

"I um… I just want you to know that I'm really lucky."

She smiled, understanding what he was getting at.

"Well don't get too lucky or your unlucky is going to come up a lot faster."

"I'll tempt fate tomorrow."

"Thanks."

They fell into a comfortable silence for nearly an hour, enjoying the scenery and fresh air that was so different than what they normally lived with. He kept her hand in his, playing with her fingers as they sat in peace.

"Castle?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you know what a good father you are?"

"Every once in a while I have a little moment of pride over not being a total loser in the parenting department, but most of the time I think she deserves better."

"Better? What could she possibly need that you haven't given her?"

Castle sighed and switched lanes to avoid a cardboard box that was in the road, then adjusted his mirrors before answering.

"I wish I worried less. She doesn't tell me things because she doesn't want me to worry about her or to be overbearing. She should be able to tell me anything that she wants to. She shouldn't be trying to save my feelings."

"Castle, it's just because she loves you."

"I know. I just wish she had another parent to fall back on. I feel like she got shortchanged. She has Meredith in theory but Meredith is never really very reliable. And she has my mother but it's not the same. I just wish I could give her everything, even if she didn't need it. Money doesn't do it all, even being with her as often as I could and always putting her first, it doesn't change the fact that she could only rely on me. She's too young to be this old, Kate."

"It's because of you that she can handle being this old."

"She shouldn't have to be."

"You know, despite everything, I still feel like my dad could conquer the world. I still feel like he could fix anything. Rationally I know it's not true, but that little girl inside me still thinks he's a superhero who has never come across a problem he can't solve. I don't think I will ever stop feeling that and I bet you anything Alexis feels the same way about you. The mistakes and tragedies don't matter when it comes down to it. If your child thinks you're a good parent, then you are, because you're what they need."

"Do you think she's going to be okay?"

"She's going to be just fine."

* * *

"Katie, please don't tell me how to make burgers," Jim grumbled, eyes dancing with amusement. "You can't do it to save your life."

"I didn't tell you how to make them, I told you how I like them," Kate countered. "There's a difference."

"You're a spoiled brat, did anyone ever tell you that?"

"Every day of my life. That's not enough pepper."

"Katherine."

She smiled and stepped out of his way, peeking into the backyard where Alexis was similarly telling Castle just how to man the grill. They'd decided to drop in on Jim on their way home from the cabin, and he'd been more than happy to have guests.

"Okay fine, I will just add stuff after they're cooked. I guess I can't win them all."

"No you can't. Take these out to your boyfriend and then come back in here and help me."

Wrinkling her nose at him she took the plate out to the backyard and set it next to the grill.

"You two going to be okay out here or should I get 911 on speed dial?"

"We'll be fine but maybe just in case?" Alexis said, playing with the squirt bottle that she was holding onto in case of flare-ups.

"Holler if you need anything."

She went back into the house and stood next to her dad, seeing how close she could get before she got in his way.

"Katie, do you want me to cut my finger off?"

"No, I'm just experimenting."

"You used to come in the kitchen when I was cooking and hang on my leg and cry until I paid attention to you. It's good to see some things never change."

"Of course. What do you need me to do?"

"Put the fries in the oven."

She nodded and opened the freezer, finding the bag of frozen French fries and dumping them on a pan so they could go into the oven.

"So," Jim started, looking out the back door briefly. "How's Alexis doing?"

"I wish that I was as put together at her age. She has her days but she overcomes a lot faster than most people would."

"You sound proud."

"I am," Kate said with a grin. "She's going to be alright and it's because she decided to be. It's not an easy thing but she's doing it. I don't think I've ever been this proud of someone before."

"Have you told her that?"

"Well… no."

"Maybe you should. It would mean a lot coming from you."

"I don't know about that, but I guess it couldn't hurt."

Jim smiled and shook his head.

"I think you underestimate yourself, Katie."

"Maybe I do, but it's unbecoming to get a big head over things, no?"

"Your mother would be so happy to know that you've grown to be as sassy as she was."

"She gave me a lot to live up to. Besides, I have to keep you in your place."

"Yes you do."

They shared a smile and she went to the cupboard, taking plates and glasses out.

"Hey dad, can I ask you something?"

"If I said no would you ask me anyway?"

"Yes."

"Alright, shoot."

She sighed, leaning against the counter and tucking her hair behind her ear before coming up with a way to formulate the question she'd been pondering for so long.

"Dad, how long did you know mom before you knew you wanted to be with her forever?"

The question sounded so childish but he didn't seem to notice, giving a slight chuckle as he thought back.

"I never knew, Katie. She just told me."

"What?"

"I was a pretty smooth guy back in college-"

"Oh gag."

"I was! I swept her off her feet and she told me that she was going to marry me someday. I didn't bother arguing."

"Well that's cute and all but I was actually being serious."

"Why are you asking? Is it because of that man out there?"

She shrugged and he stopped what he was doing, crossing the room to hug his daughter.

"Katie, if you're in love there's nothing wrong with that. Yes, it's scary and there will probably be days when you wonder if it's what you're supposed to do. But there's no timeline."

"I can't believe he's the one and I resisted it for so long. What did I miss out on?"

"I don't know. But at least you got to figure out for sure how stubborn you both are."

"Never a truer word has been spoken."

"Katie, you just remember how long he waited and how much he fought for you and make sure you prove to him every day that you would do the same."

She nodded, glancing outside and smiling. It didn't matter anymore why he'd fought for her, it just mattered that he did, and she was determined to never make him regret that again.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Thanks for the reviews and alerts! Those are a few of my favorite things. I had much more fun with this chapter and actually had a direction almost two months ago, so it was nice to get it all put to "paper." Enjoy!

* * *

"Dad, I don't need more pens," Alexis sighed, taking the package away from him and putting it back on the shelf.

"These are for self defense, being mighty and all," Castle argued.

"Right, what am I going to do with them? Shove the lid down someone's throat?"

"No, they started making air holes in them."

Alexis rolled her eyes and moved down the aisle to the index cards. Writing down questions from her study guides and going through them like flashcards seemed to be the best way for her to prepare for tests. If she could just find a big pack of assorted highlighters, she would be almost set, as far as academic supplies.

"Hey, look at this!" Castle laughed, pulling a box off the top shelf. "A walkie-talkie attachment for my iPhone! I need this."

"What for?"

"So I can drive Kate crazy by saying Over and Roger in a bad southern accent every time she calls."

"I think you drive her crazy anyway."

He shrugged and tossed the item into the cart, then grabbed a large box of printer paper off the bottom shelf.

"We'll split it," he explained at her strange expression.

"What are you going to use your half for dad, paper airplanes?"

"How did you know?"

"You're going to send Kate to the looney bin."

"Oh no, the paper airplanes are to drive Gram insane."

"I think you need to go volunteer at a daycare."

Castle laughed and pulled her into a hug, kissing the top of her head.

"I love you."

"I love you too. Freak."

"You're going to miss me so bad."

"I know. I'll be home a lot until I find my groove."

"That's my girl. Now, what else is on the list?"

"I need more binders and a pencil sharpener."

"What, you don't whittle your pencils down like they done in olden times?"

"Dad," she laughed, shaking her head. "Of course not. Knives aren't allowed on campus."

They found the rest of her supplies and paid at the register, then headed outside to the waiting car. They stowed everything in the trunk and climbed into their seats, letting the air conditioner come on before Castle drove away.

"Could we go get ice-cream before dinner?" Alexis asked hopefully.

"I actually bought some already, it's at home in the freezer. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough. Thanks for shopping with me all day dad."

"You're welcome. Thanks for not making me help you pack."

She nodded and stared out the window for a moment, glancing up at the sky and wishing it would rain. She needed that for some reason, the coolness and freshness that rain always brought, the way it could mask the true darkness without tarnishing the light.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't know if I want to go back to school. I mean, I do. I just don't know if I can. Or if… Is it too late for me to decide to live at home this year?"

"It's never too late, Alexis, but is that what you really want?"

"I'm just scared," she admitted, putting her feet up on the dashboard. "What if I have nightmares there? What if I scare my roommate? What if I can't do it?"

She didn't realize he'd parked and shut the car off and was turned in his seat facing her until she stopped to take a breath.

"Dad what if I disappoint you?"

"Alexis, you look at me right now. You will never disappoint me. I will never stop loving you. I will always be proud of you as long as you are doing what you need to do. If you need to keep going to school and living in the dorms, then I am proud. If you need to take some time off and move home and let yourself heal, then I am proud. If you need to go skydiving just to feel alive, I will be there to pack the parachute, but please don't do that. You know yourself, Alexis. You're smart, you're brave, and you know where to find resources to help and support you. You are going to be just fine, no matter what path you take to get there."

"Thank you, daddy."

"Be healthy, Alexis. I won't ask you to be happy because as a fact of life, sometimes you just aren't. You can't promise yourself that. Take care of yourself, especially that heart of yours. It's pretty big, sometimes it needs a little extra care."

She gave a half smile and he reached across the car, hugging her so tightly that she wondered if they might temporarily fuse together.

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, Alexis. I don't know why fate gave the likes of me such an amazing daughter, but you are better than I ever imagined."

She smiled against him, tears stinging her eyes as the weight of his words fell onto her heart. There was nothing in the world that could ever change his mind. He would always be there to love her and guide her and when it came down to it, she didn't have anything to worry about. She could always come home.

* * *

"What in the world did you two do?" Alexis exclaimed, standing in the doorway of the loft, her jaw dropped as she took in the temporary redecorating. "It looks just like the Tara Plantation in here! How did you do this?"

"A stage crew and promises of a free lunch," Martha answered, dusting off her apron. "You said you wanted a family movie night."

"This is amazing. You put up Miss Ellen's portieres!"

"Well, we don't do anything halfway," Kate shrugged with a smile. "Are you hungry?"

"Dad is this why you wouldn't stop for dinner?"

"Guilty. When they said they were up to something, I didn't think it would be like this. What kind of food did you get?"

"Mint juleps, pecan pie, roast chicken, sweet potatoes, fried okra," Kate listed off, going to the kitchen. "Oh, and radishes of course."

"This is going to be the best movie night ever!" Alexis exclaimed, wandering around the loft, taking in all the little touches they'd added to make it feel more authentic. "Have you two thought about starting a party planning company?"

Martha and Kate turned to each other with surprised smiles.

"That's not a bad idea."

"It's a wonderful idea!" Martha chuckled. "Something to fall back in when we both retire. In thirty years."

"Thirty years is a long time mother. Are you sure all the liquor in the world will hold out until then?"

"I bought you the moonshine kit for a reason, Richard."

"So sassy," he chuckled, leaving the shopping bags by the door. "So, shall we begin the festivities?"

Kate nodded and they moved into the kitchen to plate up dinner while Alexis found the movie and curled up in the corner of the couch while the opening credits played. She couldn't believe they'd gone all out like this, just because she'd wanted a family movie night before she moved back into the dorms. It couldn't have been easy and had probably taken a lot of planning but they'd done it just to make her happy.

"Here you are my dear," Castle said, handing her a plate piled with food.

"Thanks dad. Are you going to make it through a long chick flick?"

"This is not a chick flick, Alexis. It's a great historical cinematic experience, filled with anachronisms."

"Frankly, I don't give a damn."

Castle chuckled as Kate and Martha settled into the couch and the first scene started up.

"I wish I had an over abundance of gentlemen callers," Alexis mused after a moment. "Of course, I don't think the Tarelton brothers would make my list of desirable suitors."

"Darling, never underestimate an awkward man. They work harder at wooing you than the rest."

"Coming from the woman who has been wooed by men from every walk of life and personality profile, I'll take your word for it."

"Please, please don't start making Belle Watling jokes," Castle begged. "I don't think my heart could take it."

"The three of you are so dramatic, I don't know how I put up with it," Kate sighed with a grin.

Alexis tossed a lace handkerchief in her face.

"See? Dramatic."

"Says the woman who pouted for an hour because all the cereal was gone."

"You've earned your spot on this couch, Katherine," Martha affirmed. "Own it."

"Don't worry, I plan to."

* * *

Five in the morning was way too early to be up, even for Alexis, so when she felt a gentle tugging on her toes, she glanced at the clock and pulled her feet away from the intrusion.

"Lex, wake up."

"No, why?"

"Because."

"Obviously you didn't do well on the debate team."

"I'm too tired to come up with a reason."

"Then maybe you should go back to bed."

"Can't. Sun only rises once a day. We can't miss it. Up please!"

"You're evil," Alexis whined as the blankets were pulled off of her. "You'd better have coffee."

"We'll get some."

"Why are you a horrible person?" she asked, standing up from the bed and pushing her hair out of her face.

"It's good for you."

"Where are we going?"

Kate shrugged.

"For a drive. Don't ask too many questions."

"You're as bad as dad."

"I know. Get changed, I'll meet you downstairs."

Alexis wrinkled her nose but changed into jeans and a sweatshirt, sliding her feet into a pair of moccasins and checking her hair in the mirror before heading downstairs. Kate was putting her own shoes on and yawning slightly, and Alexis wanted to ask if they could just both go back to bed, but she also knew there was no arguing with Kate Beckett once she'd made up her mind.

"So why are you insane this morning?"

"Good a time as any. Come on, we'll get coffee real quick."

"Kate," Alexis whined, hoping she was loud enough that her dad would wake up. No luck.

"Sweetie, just trust me?"

"Alright, but I want extra shots in that coffee, got it?"

"Yes."

They made their way out of the building and into the car, managing to find a coffee place that was open and not crowded with the early morning working class. Soon they were driving south east, sipping their coffee and listening to the radio as the highway rumbled underneath the car.

"Where are we going?"

"Manhattan beach."

Alexis nodded but didn't say more, glancing out her window and letting her mind wander to all she had to accomplish today. Moving into the dorms would be fairly easy, but she was worried about getting everything put away before classes started. There would be orientations and mixers to go to, meeting her roommate, and all the other things that came with a new school year. There was a lot to worry about, a lot to prepare for, but she was doing her best to look forward to it rather than dread it.

After a while Kate stopped the car in a parking lot and got out, motioning for Alexis to do the same.

"Have I mentioned that you're crazy?"

"Yep."

"And probably the only person in the world that could get me to climb up on the roof of a car before six in the morning with no explanation."

"I am so grateful for this power," Kate chuckled, crossing her legs and watching for the sun to come up.

"So why are we doing this?"

"Because you're going back to school and we're not going to see each other as much as we do now."

"So this is our last hurrah?"

"No, this is me saying I'm going to miss you."

"Kate, I'll be two miles away."

"I know but I'm an old lady, so humor me."

Alexis grinned and tapped her fingers along to the soft music that was coming out of the car.

"Kate, I don't know what I would have done without you these last few months. I think I was standing on my own two feet but I wasn't balancing very well, wasn't moving forward. If it wasn't for you, I think I would still be there."

"I'm glad you let me help you."

"I don't want things to change too much."

"You'll only be two miles away," Kate reminded her with a grin. "Why don't we find a night that works for both of us and we'll have a standing dinner date. I'll write it in pen."

"That sounds good."

They slipped into silence, watching as the sun moved up slowly, starting as a hint of light across the sky. There was something so peaceful and settling about watching a new day start, almost giving a sense of control over what would transpire.

"Hey Alexis?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm really, really proud of you."

"What? Why?"

"Because you have overcome so much. You finished out your freshman year, even though it would have been perfectly acceptable to put it on the back burner. You've stood up for yourself, you've been brave, you've learned how to cope and how to ask for help. You've grown up so much, even when none of us thought there was anywhere else for you to grow to. You are amazing."

"I don't feel amazing."

"You'll get there. There's no way you can share genes with your father and your mother and not let your ego get big at least sometimes."

"I feel like I need that on a t-shirt."

"I'll call a screen printing place later."

Alexis smiled and swirled the remaining coffee in her cup, contemplating something heavily.

"A year ago I kind of hated you," she confessed after a moment. "And now you're like… one of the only friends I have. Or even want, quite honestly. How does that happen?"

"Time is a magical thing."

"I'll buy it a cape."

Kate smiled, tucking Alexis under her arm and giving her a long squeeze.

"You're going to do just fine, sweetie. You've already proven that. And even though there are going to be days when you don't feel like you're okay, you're going to push through and find out that you are."

"I can call you when I'm not fine, right?"

"Yes. And when you are fine, and any time in between. I'll always answer for you okay?"

"Thanks."

"We should probably get out of here before your dad starts blowing up both our phones."

"I'm home fifteen minutes later than I thought and I had twenty-one texts from him and one from you telling me that I'd better call him because he'd misplaced his Life Alert button and your CPR was rusty."

"He wasn't happy with me for that one," Kate chuckled, sliding down from the car roof. "He doesn't like when I bring up the age difference or the fact that the "Real Age" quiz put him at 59."

"I got him a box of hair dye and a cane that I'm going to leave on his desk when I go. Just a warning."

"I'll make sure to hide."

Alexis smiled as they got into the car and headed back to the city, sun lighting up behind them. Today was going to be the start of a change, but she was feeling more and more certain that she was ready to handle it. Maybe she was finally getting healthy and strong again, back to the person she'd been before all of this, back to the person she was so proud to be. The person that no one could take from her. No, she was much too resilient for that. After all, she'd been guided by the best.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: I know that a few of the things that come out in this chapter need more explanation, and it's coming soon, but timing is everything. Castle needs to have a part in some of it and this chapter was getting too long to let him in, so onward we march.

* * *

Running late on the first day of class is definitely not how Alexis wanted to start out the school year. Struggling with the closet door, she sighed, wondering if she had a pair of sandals she could throw on instead of the shoes that were currently being held hostage by a bad hinge. Cursing softly she finally managed to pull the door open and find the shoes and was grabbing a pair of socks when her phone rang. Hopping across the room, she tripped over her book bag and made it to the phone in time to see the caller ID fading from the screen.

"Great."

Knowing a voice-mail would be left and waiting for it would be more prudent than an immediate return call she finished putting on her shoes and socks, then checked herself in the mirror before deciding that she was ready. Twelve minutes to spare, her first class across campus and she'd have to do some major power walking, but she could make it just in time.

Checking her bag once more to make sure she had everything, she grabbed her phone and headed out, dialing her voicemail and punching in the code.

"_Hey Alexis, I'm sure you're on your way to class so you can get there first and read the syllabus a few times until you know it by heart but I just wanted to call and tell you to have a good first day and I'm sorry about the care package your dad sent you. He's laboring under the delusion that you're still four years old. I tried really hard to talk him out of the playdough but he said you could use it for art class or something. Anyway, I love you, have a great day, and call me later. Bye kiddo."_

Grinning at the way Kate seemed to talk about ten times faster over the phone, Alexis called her back, having to leave a message of her own.

"So don't think that your mocking of my nerdiness went unnoticed. I, after all, totally kicked your butt at Jeopardy every night last week so I think my method is working just fine. I didn't get the care package yet but I'm intrigued. Last year he sent me a chastity belt so I don't think the playdough is all that weird. I'm done with classes at one today and then I am calling you to tell you about the dinner last night that I am still mad you missed because I doubt dad was truthful when he told you about it and I really needed you there to reign in his crazy. I think Max is still reeling, quite frankly. So I'm about to step into class so I gotta go but I love you too, talk to you later."

She turned the phone off and stepped through the door into the lecture hall, glad she was neither the first nor the last one there. Taking a syllabus off the front table, she slid into a seat near the back. She had always hated when people sat behind her, but ever since Paris it made her extremely uneasy.

She skimmed over the syllabus once, noting that there seemed to be endless amounts of reading, then went back through to give it a closer look just before the professor entered the room to begin class.

Fifteen minutes into the normal first day of class lecture, her hands got clammy. At first she attributed it to the temperature fluctuations in the building, and shrugged it off. A little while later she noticed a tremor in her hands. This had happened once before, and being home alone, all she'd been able to do was curl up in the corner of her bedroom and do her best to breathe through it. It had been a long afternoon.

The lights on the ceiling seemed to be pulsating and her chest was aching now. It was coming, she could feel it. A wave of panic that seemed to crash over her, overtaking all her emotions until it was all she could feel. Panic and the desperate need for safety, so overwhelming that she couldn't even see straight. There seemed to be a buzzing in her ears and she took a breath, one hand reaching up slowly to rest against her pulse. Her heart was racing. She needed to get out, and with the most strength she'd ever been able to muster, she slid from her seat, grabbed her bag and ran out the back door. She didn't care who noticed or what they thought, she just needed to be safe.

Letting the door of the building slam behind her and feeling some of the panic start to lose power, she looked at her surroundings, feeling like her dorm was a million miles away. She started heading that direction then changed her mind. Having a task was helping a lot and she set her mind on it, heading inside the building once she got there and up the stairs to the third floor. She knocked on the door and closed her eyes, hoping that he was home.

"Alexis? Are you okay?"

Sucking in a deep breath she looked up at Max and let him pull her into his arms while she started to cry.

"I'm scared. I'm not okay. I can't breathe."

He pulled her inside the dorm suite then into his bedroom where he sat her on the bed and knelt down in front of her, taking her shaking hands in his.

"What can I do for you?"

"Don't know," she whispered, feeling the panic start again. "I can't… it's not safe."

"What's not?"

"Something is going to happen. I can't…. Max, I can't breathe."

"Yes you can," he said softly, reaching up to check her pulse. "You're okay. I'm right here."

"I need… I need…I'm going to pass out."

"No you're not. Alexis, you're fine."

Almost hyperventilating she burst into tears, her entire body shaking. He wrapped his arms around her but she pushed him away, retreating to the corner of the bed and pulling her knees up to her chest. She couldn't understand why she didn't want the comfort but she couldn't talk herself out of fleeing either.

Max left her alone but dug around in her bag, keeping one eye on her until he found her phone. He stared at it for a moment, not sure who to call.

"Kate," she said in a small voice after a moment. "Please. Kate."

He nodded and found the right number in the phone, placing the call and hoping she would answer.

* * *

Katherine Beckett had never felt quite so ferociously protective of someone in her life. From the second she'd hung up the phone all she could think about was the fact that Alexis was scared and she needed someone to help her. It didn't matter that she'd been about to go into interrogation, it didn't matter that she had no clue what to do, all that mattered was getting there.

She knocked loudly on the door of 303 and it swung open almost immediately. Had this been a friendly first meeting, she might have noted that Max wasn't Alexis' type, at least from outward appearances. Built like a linebacker but with the eyes of a poet, he definitely wasn't what she was picturing. Right now, however, was not the time to think about that.

"Where is she?"

"In here."

He led her into the bedroom where Alexis was still sitting, staring straight ahead, her hands curled around the hem of her shirt, bottom lip bleeding from where she'd worried it between her teeth. She was paler than normal, but there were splotches of red on her skin too and she seemed to have her eyes focused on something no one else could see.

"Lex? Sweetie, it's Kate. Look at me honey."

Her eyes slid away from whatever they had been looking at and blinked long and hard before what she was seeing seemed to be transferred to her brain.

"Kate?"

"It's okay. You're safe."

"Something's wrong."

"What?"

"Something's wrong with me."

"Nothing is wrong with you, Alexis."

"Yes there is. This isn't normal."

"It's not abnormal either. Sweetie, it's okay. Whatever you feel and whatever happens is okay for the place you're in right now. You're healing and you're coping."

"But I was fine. A week ago I was fine."

"Yes, but then you moved back here and started school and even though it's where you want to be right now, it's still overwhelming. There's nothing wrong with you."

Alexis hiccupped back a sob and a sniffle and Kate reached for her, lifting her chin up to look in her eyes.

"I know how lost you feel. I know that it presses down on you when you least expect it and I know that it seems like you take one step forward and ten back. But sweetheart, it gets better. I promise you, it gets better. I will be there until it does and even after that when there's bad days, I'll be there. But Lex, right now you have to get up and you have to move because if you don't then you've lost a battle, and you can't afford to lose any more. Okay?"

"I'm not ready. I can't."

"Yes you can. You already have, it's just been a bit. Find your feet, honey."

"I want to go home."

"I know you do, but that might not be the best idea right now."

"Please, please take me home."

"Alexis."

"Kate please. I'll never ask you for anything else and if you love me you'll take me home."

Kate sighed and looked her over, wondering if this was the place to put her foot down or not.

"Alright sweetie. I'll take you home, but I'm bringing you back tonight. Compromise?"

Alexis gave a short nod, knowing that a verbal agreement would be enough to send her back into the racking sobs that had scared Max so badly just ten minutes ago. She just wanted to be warm and safe, where she didn't have to think and worry and imagine all the ways that things could go wrong. She wanted to pull the blankets over her head and have a good cry, then fall into a sleep so deep that she wouldn't dream. At the same time she wanted to run and run until her sides split and her lungs burst and she couldn't move anymore. She wanted to get as far away as she could from comfort and she couldn't figure out why.

It wasn't until they were outside that she realized they'd even moved. Max must have said goodbye to her but she couldn't remember responding and she wasn't sure what Kate had just asked her.

"What?"

"Do we need to get anything from your room?"

"No, it's fine," she answered, shivering in the autumn breeze. Kate nodded and regarded her with silence as they slid into the car. Neither one of them knew what to say so they didn't speak a word until they reached the loft. Walking through the door Alexis spun around, her eyes full of anger, though Kate had no idea where it was coming from.

"Go back to work," she said, her words clipped.

"Alexis-"

"I don't want you to hate me and I don't want you to be disappointed in me or think I'm weak or-"

"Stop it, Alexis. You know I don't think that and I never would."

"You're missing work."

"I have time to use."

"But you had to leave in the middle of the day, you should go back."

"Alexis, you're more important to me than that. Ryan and Esposito can handle things and Captain Gates is happy to look the other way."

"But… it's not right. It shouldn't be you. You shouldn't be taking care of me."

"If you really want me to leave, I will."

Alexis sniffled and shook her head, staring down at the floor. The first day of class and she'd choked. She'd panicked, made Kate skip out on work to take care of her, proven that she couldn't even handle the day to day of life, much less other things that might come her way. What in the world could she amount to now? Who would ever love someone who couldn't cope? How was she ever supposed to move on? How could she face people who'd been through so much worse and come out stronger while she still floundered like an infant who couldn't even handle naptime?

The sobs that wracked her body were deep and intense and her knees hit the floor, shooting pain upwards. She wanted to fall further, through the floor and down, down into the deepest pit where nothing could hurt her and she couldn't hurt anyone either. There would be nothing but darkness and silence.

* * *

Half an hour later she was tucked tightly into her bed, curtains closed and one single lamp on across the room. Exhausted, she lay still, shivering from the exertion, piecing together what had happened. She remembered small bits, crying so hard she made herself sick, yelling about the injustice of everything, sobs hitching in her throat as she confessed all the secrets she'd buried so far down that she didn't even remember they existed. She remembered crying for her dad then begging Kate not to call him, but being hurt that he wasn't there. Kate hadn't left her side through any of it, holding her and shushing her until she'd calmed enough to at least climb the stairs to her bedroom and crawl into bed, occasional sobs escaping, but silent for the most part.

"I don't ever want to do that again," she whispered, reaching up to rub her puffy eyes.

"I don't want you to either," Kate agreed, her hand gently running over the tangled red hair. "I don't think I'll take you back to the dorms tonight."

"No, I need to go. Prove to myself I can. If I don't go tonight I'll never go back."

"Look at you all tough."

"I don't feel tough. I feel like a Raggedy Anne that's been through the spin cycle."

"Wondering where your spine went?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want me to call your dad?" Kate questioned after a moment.

"No. Can we please not tell him about all this?"

There was a long pause and Kate looked down at the floor. She hated keeping Castle out of the loop but she knew it was important to hold onto Alexis' trust, especially if she fell down that rabbit hole again.

"I won't tell him what's going on but he's going to know that not all is right in Whoville. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough."

"Sweetie, I don't understand why you won't talk to him."

"I knew you didn't want to be here."

"Alexis, that's not why I'm asking. I want to be here for you more than you know. I just need to know why you don't want your dad here too."

"I told you already."

"Twenty minutes ago when you were spilling a lot of stuff that I don't think you really even realized. No, I want to know right now when your mind is a little more clear."

"What did I say before?"

"You said that you don't want him to be upset with you for still struggling with this. You said he would think you were ungrateful, that you didn't care that he'd rescued you, that he would be disgusted with you. Is that how you really feel?"

Alexis let out a long breath and snaked her hand out from the covers, reaching over to play with the watch Kate wore.

"I don't feel it but I worry it. I know dad loves me and I know he always will. But he doesn't know how to take care of me. I mean, he does, but he doesn't."

"I'm not reading you."

"Dad was a mess when my mom skipped out. I was young but I remember it really well. He stayed in his room, didn't write. Slept all day and moped around the apartment all night. I was so confused and hurt and unsure of what to do and while he made sure I ate and got to bed on time and went to school, for a very long time, he didn't try to help me. He didn't explain, he didn't ask questions. I don't blame him for it, he was going through a lot. But I had to learn to take care of myself, emotionally. I've been really good at it until now. I don't know how to depend on him like that. It scares me to think about trying."

"Okay, I understand that."

"You do the same thing. You don't depend on your dad because he couldn't even handle himself."

"I used to. I try very hard not to now. It's not a fun way to live, Alexis. Never trusting the one person in the world who loves you the most."

"I don't want to worry him."

"He's already worried, honey. This isn't going to worry him more, it's going to give him some clarity as to how he can help you."

"I'll think about it."

"I'll leave it up to you then."

"I really scared Max today, didn't I?"

"He wasn't scared of you honey, I think he was scared for you. He loves you."

"I know."

They lapsed into silence again and Kate found herself humming softly, something that was a little slower than Alexis' breathing hoping it would help her to slow down and calm. After a few moments she carefully reached over and checked her pulse, finding that it had slowed to an acceptable rate.

"Can I get you anything?"

"No thanks. I just need to lay here for a while."

Kate nodded and got up from her spot on the floor, knees protesting the movement after having been tucked underneath her for so long.

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere, I just can't sit on the floor anymore. My butt is numb."

Alexis gave a small chuckle at that and Kate grabbed a book off the nightstand, thumbing through a few pages until she found the first chapter, then lounged back on the bed and started to read out loud. She kept her voice even and light and Alexis sat up just a little, scooting closer and resting her head in Kate's lap. All the things she'd said were coming back to her now and she couldn't help but be slightly embarrassed about a few of them. It didn't seem that Kate would ever say a word about it, but she very clearly remembered the look on Kate's face when she'd cried "why couldn't you be my mother?" There was a hint of surprise there, but mostly Alexis had seen a flash of anger. Not towards her; it was clearly anger at Meredith. That had taken Alexis aback and she would have to think on it more later. Everything was still too jumbled up in her mind.

"Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next. First, she tried to look down and make out what she was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then she looked at the sides of the well, and found that they were filled with cupboards and bookshelves; here and there she saw maps and pictures hung up on pegs. She took down a jar from one of the shelves as she passed; it was labeled "Orange Marmalade," but to her great disappointment it was empty; she did not like to drop the jar for fear of killing somebody, so managed to put the jar into one of the cupboards as she passed it."

"Kate?" Alexis said suddenly, sitting up and letting the blankets fall from her shoulders.

"Hmm?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"I think I need to get up now. I need to e-mail the professors for the classes I missed. Come up with an excuse. I need to shower. And I should call Max and let him know I'm not holed up in the Chelsea or anything."

Kate smiled, glad that her sense of humor was back, even if it was a little warped.

"Reverse the order on those things and I think you have a good plan. You okay if I head back to work?"

"Yeah. But keep your phone close?"

"Of course. I'll try and talk your dad into tacos for dinner."

"Sounds good. I'll be here."

Kate pulled her into a hug, holding tight for a moment before letting her go.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Be good, kiddo. We'll be home in a few hours."

She left the room quietly and in a moment the click of the front door told Alexis she was alone. Cuddling back down into the blankets she picked up the book and began to read it for herself. She just needed a little longer to rest her mind.


	14. Chapter 14

"Castle, stop being cute and help me with this," Kate nearly whined.

"You think I'm cute."

"Yes, but that is neither here nor there. If you want dinner soon I need you to at least mash the potatoes."

"I like them lumpy."

"Castle."

He gave her a grin and stood up from the bar, walking over to help her as requested.

"I like watching you cook," he mentioned after a moment.

"You do? Why?"

"I don't know. You just do it so easily I guess. You don't even look at the spices you pull off the rack, you just smell them to see if they'll work. It amuses me."

"I like to make my own rules."

"I might put on some weight if you keep cooking every night."

"Just skip the dessert, then you don't have to worry."

"I don't know if I can commit to that. Especially with these new fall recipes. I want to see how many more things you can do with a pumpkin."

Kate smiled and checked the time, asking him to scoot over so she could pull the pork chops from the oven.

"You spoil me," Castle remarked, leaning over to smell their dinner.

"I hope so."

"Is this the grownup version of Peter Brady's pork chops and applesauce?"

"Sure is."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure can."

He finished mashing the potatoes and transferred them into a bowl, then leaned against the counter.

"Where did you learn to cook?"

"My mom, mostly. Food Network when I can't sleep. And maybe a little of it is just natural born culinary prowess."

"You've cooked for other people before?"

"Just my dad, really."

"Did you cook for Josh? Demming?"

She smirked and shook her head.

"No, never did. Just you, Castle."

In a matter of seconds his arms were around her waist and his lips were crushed to hers. She dropped the fork she'd been holding and it clattered to the floor as she returned his affection, taken aback by his swiftness but smiling anyway.

"Kate?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Promise me you will never cook for anyone else. Unless they are incapacitated and you have to."

"Scout's Honor."

His stomach gave a particularly loud rumble and she laughed, moving away from him to pull the plates down from the cupboard.

"We'd better feed you before that thing exacts its' revenge."

"Yes please."

They plated up their food and sat down at the bar, bickering over the biggest dinner roll before settling down to eat.

"This is nice."

"What is?"

"Just this. The quiet."

"I didn't know you could sit still this long."

"Very funny. Though I admit, it is taking a lot of restraint."

"I appreciate it."

There was a loud knock on the door and they both jumped.

"Well, there goes that."

"Can we ignore it?"

"I wish we could but I am a curious man."

He stood up and walked towards the door, pulling it open to find Alexis' boyfriend.

"Max?"

"Hi, Mr. Castle. I was just… I wanted to talk… can I come in?"

Castle nodded confusedly and Max stepped inside, shoulders slumped.

"Max, is everything okay?" Kate asked, standing up from the bar and crossing the room to him.

"No, it's not. I'm worried about Alexis."

Castle motioned to the couch and the three of them sat down, Max on the far end, cracking his knuckles nervously.

"What exactly are you worried about?"

Max looked up and sighed, shaking his head slightly.

"I don't know for sure. She just seems to be getting worse."

"Worse?" Castle questioned, brow furrowed in concern. "Worse than what?"

Kate closed her eyes tightly for a moment as realization set it. Alexis had lied. She wasn't telling her father what had been going on, or even cluing him in to the fact that things weren't all right. This was not going to go well.

"That first panic attack she had, I thought that was bad enough but every one she has, it takes her longer to get back to herself afterwards. Haven't you noticed that, Detective Beckett?"

Kate floundered for a moment, feeling Castle's eyes boring into her.

"Yes, I have."

"I don't know what else to do to help her. You seem to help her through the panic attacks when they happen but afterwards I don't know what else to do for her. I've tried taking her out somewhere to get her mind off of it. I've tried just being quiet and letting her talk if she wants to. I've tried just leaving her alone. Nothing works. Nothing helps."

Castle sat in silent shock. Alexis seemed to be fine every time he talked to her. Kate hadn't said a word either. He felt like he'd been broadsided by a bus.

"Max, just trying to help her is the best thing you can do right now. It may not always work and it's never going to fix anything but she knows you care about her and you're trying to help. That means a lot."

"I'm just worried that something's going to happen to her. You know better than I do. Is she really okay?"

"She's getting there. Max, you have to remember that there are going to be days or even weeks when she seems and feels fine and then all of the sudden she's not. Eventually the bad days are going to space out enough that it's barely a part of her life anymore. But it's going to take time."

"I want to help her more than just being there. I feel like I'm not doing anything."

"But you are. Be patient with her and be there for her. That's what she needs the most, I promise."

"If you think of anything else will you let me know?"

"Of course."

He hesitated for a moment then stood up.

"I'm sorry I just dropped by like this. I should have called."

"No, that's okay," Castle said finally, standing up to walk him to the door. "You're welcome over here any time. Especially if you love my daughter enough to show up like this."

"Yes sir."

"Try ice-cream. It's a good temporary fix and you can enjoy it too."

"Thank you sir."

"You're welcome."

They said goodbye and Kate watched curiously from the couch. To be honest, deep down, she'd been curious to see Castle's shot gun stare, but it didn't seem like he wanted to use it. And with good reason. Over the last few weeks, she'd heard from Alexis just what kind of guy Max was and had come to the conclusion that the young man was not only head over heels in love, but actually held a deep seated concern and care for Alexis, one that rivaled anything Ashley or Owen had ever shown her. It was clear that Castle saw that as well.

Right now, however, his daughters college romance seemed to be the furthest things from his mind as he shut the door and stared Kate down.

"What's going on?" he asked, striding towards the couch.

"I said I wouldn't tell you. She promised me that she would."

"Well it's kind of out of the bag now, don't you think?"

"Rick-"

"Something is going on with my daughter and you haven't told me about it!"

"She didn't want me to! She told me that she would do it and I believed her, okay?"

"Well you lied to me in the process. And now I don't even know if my kid is alright."

"She's fine, Castle, it's just-"

"She's fine? She's fine?! I don't think she's fine if her boyfriend is coming over here worried about her. I don't think she's fine if she wouldn't even tell me about it. Are you a counselor, Kate? Are you her parent? Do you even have any idea how to love her or is she just an easy way for you to get to me?"

"I know you don't mean that."

"I am her father Kate, and I should be told what's going on in her life."

"She's an adult-"

"Don't give me that! If there is something going on with her, you should tell me no matter what."

"No. I'm not going to betray her trust like that, especially when she promised me she was telling you about it. And don't you dare tell me I don't love her. You know that I do."

"You can stand there and make excuses all you want but right now I need to go take care of my daughter."

He grabbed his coat and left, slamming the door behind him while she sunk onto the couch, heart racing and hands shaking. She didn't even know what to think at that point, whether she should warn Alexis that Castle was headed her way or if she should follow him. It was probably best that she did neither. Alexis had lied and she needed to see the consequence of that, and to follow him over to her dorm would just create way more drama than any of them could handle now.

Clearing her head as best she could, she went into the kitchen and put their interrupted dinner away, hoping that they could reheat it tomorrow night. Castle may have just majorly flipped out, and he may have said horrible things, but she was inclined to attribute it all to the fact that he was worried about Alexis and couldn't think very clearly when he was in that state of mind. It didn't make the words hurt less, but it made the sting a little less permanent.

Making sure the kitchen was clean she grabbed her coat and left the apartment, headed for home.

* * *

"Yo Beckett, we got a hit on the vic's cell phone," Esposito announced, dropping a folder on her desk. "Pinged up in Tarrytown, then went off the grid again."

"What's in Tarrytown?" she sighed, pulling the case file closer and looking over it.

"Vic's boss. When we got the signal from her phone, we ran all suspects numbers through to see who might be close to her phone. Mr. Harold Anthony pinged on all the same towers."

"Pick him up. If he hasn't seen her in a week, I want to know when she made him legal guardian of her phone."

"On it. Castle ever going to show up today?"

"I highly doubt it."

"Which one of you screwed up?"

"Espo, get out of here," she said, swatting him away. He gave her shoulder a squeeze and she patted his hand, then stood up. She needed to take a walk before sitting down and spending the next hour getting more familiar with Harold Anthony's initial interview. It had been two days since they'd talked to him and her mind had been occupied with other things since then.

Castle had never called her last night and neither had Alexis, leading her to hope and believe that they'd spent some time together sorting things out. Alexis needed to be reminded what a great resource her father was when it came to stuff like this, and she needed to get comfortable actually relying on him.

Kate thought back to three weeks ago when Alexis had uttered all those things in the heat of an emotional breakdown and wondered again what they had all meant. Some of them she'd riddled out and a few Alexis had explained, but there were a few big ones that she wasn't sure what to make of.

Downing a glass of tepid water, she went back to her desk and pulled open the manila folder, scanning over the background information on Harold Anthony. No prior arrests, nothing on his record as far as business troubles, all his finances lined up. On first glance there was nothing that would jump out as a motive for this man killing his employee. He wasn't even married so the idea of an affair cover-up fell to the bottom of the list. All they had to go on was his proximity to her cell phone two days after her death. Kate couldn't help but think this was a dead end.

She read through his original interview, absentmindedly reaching for the cup of coffee that usually sat on her desk and sighing when she remembered why it wasn't there. This was going to be a long day.

"Beckett."

She looked up to see Castle standing there, looking apologetic and tired, his hair mussed and his tie loose and crooked.

"Castle."

They regarded each other for a moment before she looked down at the file again, not sure what to say to him. He carefully moved into his chair, resting his hand on the side of her desk until she looked over.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Overreacting. Saying the things I said."

She nodded, closing the case file and sitting back in her chair, arms crossed gently over her stomach.

"Then why did you say them?"

"Because I was overreacting."

"So they just came out of nowhere."

"Kate."

"Rick?"

He sighed and tapped his fingers across the desk for a moment, his eyes turning dark and intense.

"The most important thing in the world to me is Alexis' happiness and safety. I could go without everything else as long as those two were assured. When I hear that she may not be okay, it's not a time for me to think rationally. All I want to do is protect her. All I can think about is getting to her and fixing everything. It doesn't matter if she's been kidnapped or if she slammed her thumb in a car door. All danger is the same. I have to get to her and fix things and by not telling me, you were standing in the way of that."

"Do you understand why I didn't tell you?"

"To some degree."

She nodded and put down the pen she'd been nervously spinning through her fingers.

"I get that you didn't want to betray her trust and I know she told you that she was telling me about it. But you never even brought it up to feel out the situation?"

"I was afraid that if we started talking about it I would tell you everything."

"In light of what could be going on with her, don't you think that was a risk you might want to take?"

"I didn't think about that. Castle, I'm doing the best that I can. I can't force her to talk to you, all I can do is tell her that she should."

"I know that."

"I have to try and decide what's the best thing to do for everyone."

"I get that now. Alexis and I talked about it, and she never meant to put you in the middle like that."

"I know she didn't."

"Kate, I'm sorry. You know that under normal circumstances I never would have yelled at you like that."

"I know you're sorry. But it doesn't change what you said. That had to come from somewhere Castle."

He was quiet and her stomach churned. She didn't want to have this conversation right now, or ever, but she knew they needed to.

"I know you love her, Kate. I know."

"But you don't think it's enough, do you?"

He sighed and rested his arms on his knees.

"Let's not talk about this here."

"I can't leave, Castle. I'm waiting for Espo to bring in a suspect."

"Come over tonight. Kate, we need to talk about this."

She wanted so badly to tell him no but she knew that would be far more damaging than he deserved.

"I'll call you when I'm done here."

"Thank you."

He reached over to squeeze her hand, then stood up from the chair and headed for the door.

"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

"It's gonna be okay."

* * *

"She said that?"

Kate nodded and looked down into her coffee mug quietly.

"Well, I'm not surprised."

"What?"

"Kate, what she said about me not being there for her, that's true. The fact of the matter is that if Meredith had been a better mother, she could have helped to make sure Alexis was okay. She was too busy creating her new life to bother. Alexis realizes that you won't give up on her. If you had been her mother, she wouldn't have had to go through that alone. And that's why now she's clinging to you instead of me because at one point I abandoned her. You never did."

"Castle, I don't think she sees it like that."

"Not anymore. But that doesn't mean she never wishes it was different."

"You know I love her."

"I know."

"I would do anything for her and I would never, ever use her to get to you."

"I know. But that's what I'm afraid of."

"I'm not Gina. I'm not Meredith."

"I know."

"I don't think you're afraid that I don't love Alexis. I think you're afraid that I don't love you."

The look on his face gave everything away and she reached over for his hand.

"I don't blame you for thinking that."

"You should."

"I don't. Castle, when the chips are down sometimes I don't let myself believe in you either. It's a curse."

He gave her a wry smile and she leaned closer, cupping his face in her hand.

"But just because we both have the human inclination to doubt others and think horrible things of ourselves, does not mean it's true and it does not mean that we love each other any less."

"I'm glad you seem to have your head on straight."

"It's one of my finer, yet more elusive qualities."

He gave a wry smile and dropped into serious mode, reaching up to brush her hand through his hair.

"So. What are we going to do about Alexis?"

"I don't know."

"Can you tell me what you two talked about or…?"

He nodded and sat back on the couch, wrapping his arms around her until she rested against his chest quietly.

"She said that seeing a counselor twice a month isn't enough, so she's going to go more often. I don't know if it's enough but neither one of us could come up with more of a solution than that."

"Is she going to start talking to you about things?"

"She says she is. She's worried that you're mad at her for lying."

"Me, the queen of subterfuge, mad at her for lying? No. A little disappointed but not mad."

"Could you call her?"

"I will. Are you okay?"

He shook his head and dropped a kiss to the top of her head.

"I really thought she was alright. Seemed like she was. No red flags, my Spidey-sense didn't tingle or anything."

"Castle, more than anything in the world, Alexis wants to protect you. She doesn't want to worry you and she's afraid that if you see her having a hard time you're going to ensconce her in bubble wrap and never let her leave the house."

"That's a good idea."

"I didn't mean it as a suggestion."

"Am I doing this right? This parenting from afar thing?"

"Probably not but I don't think there's actually a right way so maybe you're doing fine after all."

"Don't tease me."

"She's going to be fine, Castle."

"You're the only one saying that."

"I was fine wasn't I?"

"Yeah."

"She's going to get through this. We're going to help her and eventually she's going to do it all on her own. We'll get her there and she's going to come out stronger on the other side."

"I just wish she didn't have to go through any of this."

"I know."

"I need a timeframe."

"I can't give you one."

"Worth a shot."

They sat in silence for a little while before she sat up, her face turned completely serious.

"Are we okay, Castle?"

"Yeah, we're fine."

"Good. Want to eat that dessert from last night?"

"Bless you, good woman."

He gave her hand a squeeze before she stood up from the couch, wondering how much more of this he could take.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: I had this chapter pretty well written long ago, just needed some tweaks. About 3 to 4 more and then we'll wrap this baby up!

* * *

"Hey Lex, I come bearing index cards," Kate greeted, stepping into the dorm suite and heading towards Alexis' open bedroom door. "And highlighters because I'm sure yours have been used into submission."

"Thanks Kate," the redhead said, not looking up from her stack of notes.

"I also have a midterms care package for you which probably would have been more fun to get in the mail but I figured prompt would be better."

Alexis smiled as Kate walked over to the desk, giving her a tight squeeze and a kiss to the top of her head because somehow that had become normal.

"Such a study face you have."

"I know. I can't figure out how to get organized. I think I know what I need to know but my notes are all over the place and must have been automatic writing some of these days because I don't remember half of what I have written down."

"Did you put dates on everything?"

"Yeah."

"Put all your papers back in order. I'm going to stock your shelves real quick and then we'll divide and conquer okay?"

"Okay."

Kate picked up the large box again and went into the other room, opening the cupboards in the kitchenette and finding Alexis' sorely lacking any food. Wrinkling her nose and worried about what that meant, she quickly put away the things she'd brought with her- fruit juice and granola bars from Lanie, trail mix and Gatorade from the boys, Tylenol and melatonin from Martha, homemade cookies from Jim and an assortment of chips and crackers from Castle. It wasn't substantial food by any means but it would at least get her through the next few days in between meals. She opened the small fridge and found Alexis' space in there empty as well, and filled it with a small carton of eggs and a box of sausages, before putting a loaf of bread on the counter.

"How's it coming?"

"I think I have it all in order. I have a study sheet but the professor said it's very basic, just the subjects that will be on the test and if that's all we study for we're not going to do well."

"So then we expound on these topics? I think we can handle that."

"Introduction to Logic. I thought this class would be so easy. I'm fairly logical. No brainer, right?"

"Wrong."

"I got a D on my first quiz. I've never gotten a D."

"Don't throw your pen, I don't have pie to bring you."

Alexis smiled and spun around in her desk chair, grabbing the pack of index cards and opening them.

"So what do you suggest, short of pulling my hair out?"

"Why don't I quiz you on what's on the study guide for now and we'll go from there."

Alexis nodded and handed the sheet over, feeling some of the tension slide away. She'd been studying for this class for days and she could feel an anxiety attack coming on. The call from Kate had been like a deep, steadying breath, just what she needed to keep her head above water for a bit. If she could get through this test she could start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

"Okay," Kate started, sitting down on the bed and leaning against the wall. "Give an example of a slippery slope fallacy."

"That would be like if there was a rule in the workplace that no one is allowed to have a bottle of water while they work because then they would start bringing juice and coffee and other things. Give them an inch and they take a mile. It's the idea that one action automatically leads to the next one, like a chain reaction."

"Excellent," Kate said, making a note on the paper.

"What did you write down?"

"Don't worry about it yet. What kind of fallacy is closely related?"

"Oh geez. Um… I can't remember. I know that they differ because the slippery slope fallacy has some middle ground; like in the example there could be a rule about only water being allowed. There's room for boundaries to be made so the problem doesn't continue. The continuum fallacy?"

"Bingo."

"And the continuum fallacy has more to do with definite statements, like saying dad is rich. But at what point did he become rich? Which dollar amount changed him from not rich to rich? The fallacy lies in rejecting a statement because it's not specific enough."

Kate nodded, her eyes scanning over the paper to try and understand the jargon that was written down in small print. It had been a long time since she'd studied like this and she had never opted to take an intensive logic class, it had just been covered in public speaking her freshman year. Her mind was boggling with the information and also with the fact that Alexis was so prompt and clear in her answers. It was like she had to become an expert on each point before moving on to the next. She wasn't just studying to pass the test, she wanted to retain the information for good.

They moved slowly down the study guide, Alexis expanding on every answer as if she was trying to make sure she understood every point enough to actually teach it later. It was an hour before they took a break, Alexis standing up and stretching, glancing down at the index cards that she'd written notes on, seriously considering stashing them under her pillow on the off chance that learning by osmosis was actually real.

"So what comes after this test?"

"The next task is dragons. Pretty sure I'll get stuck with the Hungarian Horntail."

"What?"

"Sorry. I sometimes forget that you've never seen Harry Potter."

"I feel like this is a shortcoming."

"Well it does cut down on the jokes."

Kate smiled and twirled her pen through her fingers, wondering if she should broach the eating subject now or wait until they were done studying. She was a little thinner, and would probably not be noticed if one wasn't looking for it. It could be attributed to school but the little niggling question in her mind wouldn't go away. She was about to say something when Alexis sat down on the bed next to her, yawning and pulling a pillow into her lap.

"Thanks for coming over tonight Kate."

"You're welcome. I've been missing you."

"Ditto."

"Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah. This year is harder than last year was. I don't have time for a lot of extracurricular stuff and I feel like I'm falling behind. Then with the anxiety and everything else, I'm just wondering if I need to extend the four year plan to five."

"There's no harm in that. Very few people can do it all in four years."

"Would dad be disappointed?"

"Not at all. I think he would be happy that it means you'll be close to him for one more year."

"Probably," Alexis agreed with a yawn, moving the pillow from her lap to Kate's and resting her head on it. "I just want to do everything right."

"I know. But it has to be what's right for you, not what you think everyone else wants you to do."

"It's so hard to do that. I don't want anyone to think less of me."

"No one who truly loves you will think less of you for taking care of yourself, Lex. I promise."

"I'm so tired, Kate. I wish I could just pause things and spend a week sleeping and catching up on life but I can't. Does it ever even out?"

"It either evens out or you figure out how to work within it."

"Time is always your solution."

"I know, but time really helps. Let's get you through this semester and you can take your entire Christmas break to decide how you feel about things. Maybe you can do a few shifts with Lanie."

"I'd like that."

"I think you need to go to bed."

"No, I'm alright," Alexis argued, even as she sleepily rubbed her eyes.

"Lex, how long has it been since you've slept?"

"I don't want to answer that question."

"You're stubborn."

"The pot and the kettle."

"I'm going to leave so you can go to sleep."

"No, you said we would go through the study guide one more time. Give me ten minutes. I just need to close my eyes for a bit."

"You need real sleep honey."

"Ten minutes."

Kate sighed and watched her drift off, wanting to give her at least an hour, mostly so she could sit there in the quiet and try to work out how to approach her about the weight loss, which was now more apparent. It wasn't as bad as it had been earlier in the summer, but she was definitely dipping below a safe level. Her hands especially looked thinner, but what worried Kate the most were the dark circles under her eyes and that her skin was noticeably more pale than normal. She looked sick, though there was nothing to suggest a cold or the flu. Even when she had mono there was at least some color in her face.

Kate's stomach churned; her brain was imagining way too much and none of it was good. She'd watched more documentaries and read more articles on emotional pain and eating disorders than most people ever would, and all of it was coming back to her as she sat there. She remembered the behaviors of those with extreme eating disorders and knew that wasn't Alexis, but she was definitely using her ability to refuse food as a way to take some control over her life. It wasn't healthy and it didn't really matter how bad it was, it still needed to be dealt with. The panic attacks were getting better, the nightmares were mostly gone, but this one issue seemed to be cropping up again and again.

The long and short of it was that Alexis was now neglecting her physical health, even though she may be paying more attention to her mental health. In truth, she was probably not even thinking about it that way. She may have not realized when her last meal was because it wasn't a priority. Maybe she put it off so long that she forgot about it, or maybe it was purposeful, but Kate knew there was a battle looming ahead either way. It seemed that Alexis was in more danger now than she had been at the hands of her captors. The thought was terrifying. She'd have to talk to Castle, there was no way around it. After the big argument there was no way she could justify not telling him at the very least that she was worried.

But this could backfire big time.

* * *

"Kate?"

"Oh hey Alexis. Did I know you were stopping by?"

"No."

The terse answer gave Kate pause and she sat back a little in her chair, noticing the grimace Alexis was sporting.

"Is something wrong?"

"You told him."

"Told who what?"

"Don't act stupid. You told dad I wasn't eating, or that you thought I wasn't eating again. Now he's all worried about me, lectured me for an hour on the phone this morning and is calling my school to see if he can pay someone to check on me! Like I'm ten years old or something."

"Alexis-"

"I don't want to hear it. You lied to me Kate. You promised you wouldn't go running to my dad with everything-"

"I didn't tell him anything you'd confided in me Alexis."

"You shouldn't have told him anything! You should have talked to me first."

"Okay then. Are you eating like you should be?"

"That doesn't matter. I trusted you Kate, and I thought you trusted me too but I can see that was wrong. I don't think I can ever trust you again."

"Okay."

"Okay? Okay?! Are you serious? You don't even care! I knew you didn't and I hoped I was wrong but I guess it was all just fake wasn't it? Do you even love my dad or are you pretending there too?"

"Alexis, I never lied to you and you know that. I do care. I love you, enough to do what I thought was best for you even though I knew you might be unhappy about it. I don't want you to get caught up in something you can't stop. I want you to be okay."

"Well I'm not okay."

"Lex-"

"Don't talk to me!"

She turned and stalked out of the room, near tears, leaving Kate to sigh deeply and drop her face into her hands. She knew what going to Castle with her concerns could result in, but she was counting on him leaving her out of it all. She had no idea it would be like this.

"That didn't sound fun. You alright?"

She looked up and found Gates standing next to her, looking worried.

"I'm fine."

"Is Alexis okay?"

"I don't know."

"That really worries you," Gates assumed, leaning against the corner of the desk, her arms still folded in front of her.

"Most of the time she's got her head on so straight, I wonder if she really has lived a past life already and can just bypass life lessons and mistakes. But she has this recklessness to her that… I don't know, I'm afraid of what she's going to do."

"Like what?"

"Well she's pretty much shut me out. If Castle is being this aggressive, she might cut him off next. I don't want that to happen. I'd rather she stay mad at me and not take it out on him. They need each other. He would be devastated if she stopped talking to him."

"You're only letting her think she took you down a few notches, aren't you?"

"Yeah. She's just embarrassed that we know. I can't take it personally."

"What are you going to do?"

"Give her space, let her cool off. Hopefully it won't take long before I can try and talk to her again, but she can hold grudges, that's for sure."

"You love that girl."

"I do. I'd kill for her, she knows that. At least, she knew that. I don't think she'll ever accept it again."

"Give it time. They come around."

With that cryptic remark, Gates went back into her office and Kate sighed, wondering if she'd burned her only bridge with Alexis for good.

* * *

"Stop frowning."

"She told me not to talk to her."

"Do you know how many times Alexis has told me not to talk to her?"

"Castle."

"Look, I know you're upset but you did the right thing."

"The right thing? How did it help anything? Now she's just mad and we still don't know if she's eating or not."

"We'll figure it out."

"Well I'm going to frown until we do," she said defiantly, clicking on another video.

"Kate, you have to stop doing this."

"It's my fault she shut us out."

"So you're going to torture yourself by watching videos of teenagers talking about their eating disorders?"

"Maybe if I can understand it… I don't know what else to do, Castle."

"I don't either. But this right here isn't going to help. You're going to start thinking there's symptoms there when there might not be. You said it yourself, she may have missed a few meals and lost weight due to stress and midterms."

"How are you so calm?"

"Because we don't have all the facts yet. And because she's still talking to me."

Kate gave a half smile and stood up from the desk, stretching her arms over her head.

"I'm going to go for a walk."

"You want company?"

"Yeah, that would be nice."

He took her hand and they went downstairs quietly, both lost in their own thoughts. They wandered aimlessly for quite a while in the dark, neither one of them paying much attention to the time.

"How long do you think she's going to be mad at me?"

"This is really bugging you isn't it?"

"Of course it is! Castle you didn't hear what she said. As much as I say that I can't take it personally, I can't help but do just that. I just don't want her to think those things forever."

"I don't know how long she'll be mad for, Kate. She might be fine tomorrow or it might take a few weeks. You want me to feel out the situation?"

"Just… tell her I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"Whether it was the right thing or not, it still hurt her and she doesn't trust me. And I'm sorry about that."

"I'll let her know. Kate, you know she looks up to you, she loves you. She's not going to hate you forever."

"I just feel like we worked so hard to get to where we are and… am I worrying about this too much?"

"Yes. But I don't think anyone else would be worrying about my daughter like this. So thank you."

She leaned into his shoulder and he stopped walking, pulling her into a hug.

"I love you, Kate."

"I love you too."

"Let me take care of her for a bit. You've gone above and beyond the call of what one wouldn't even classify as the call of duty. She'll come around and she's going to appreciate what you did."

"I hope so."

"She will. Do you have any ideas on how I should handle this?"

"I don't know. Research time?"

"I'll make the coffee."


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Sorry such a short update this time with a funny ending place, but it desired to be cut this way.

* * *

"Are you almost done?"

Alexis looked up from her book, scrutinizing Max over the table.

"Depends."

"On?"

"Why you want me to be done."

He smiled and shook his head.

"Your answer should not be contingent on my reasons. Are you almost done?"

"Playing on my curiosity? Fine. I'm done."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she nodded, packing up her books. "What do you have planned?"

He shrugged and took her bag from her, slinging it over his shoulder and grabbing her hand as they walked out of the library.

"I thought we could hit that new arcade. Maybe play some LaserTag or mini-golf. You know, something mindless."

"LaserTag is not mindless!"

"You know what I meant."

"Mini-golf," she decided with a smile. "But you might have to teach me."

"Not a problem."

They walked back to her room and left their stuff there, then headed the few blocks to the new arcade that had opened up. It had all sorts of arcade games but other things as well and they'd been talking about going for weeks.

"So can I ask you a question?"

"Hmm, probably."

He nodded and was silent for a moment as they walked. She continued to steal glances up at him, wondering if he was pondering the question he wanted to ask or if he was just teasing her like normal.

"Max?"

"How do you feel about meeting my parents?"

"What?"

"I was thinking during Christmas break. You could come up for a weekend."

"To Boston."

"Yeah. Unless… I mean, unless you don't see a reason to."

"It's not that I don't, Max. I just don't know if I'm ready for an entire weekend."

"That's okay. They're driving down to pick me up when school gets out. Maybe we can all have lunch."

"That might be better. And if that goes well, maybe we could still do the weekend."

"Yeah, we'll look into it."

"I'd love to go. It's just that… what if they don't like me?"

"Not like you? Alexis, who in the world wouldn't like you?"

She shrugged and he opened the door to the arcade, letting her step in first. His question hung in the air and it wasn't until they stood in line to pay for the game of mini-golf that she finally spoke.

"I know how close you are to your parents and I would hate it if they didn't like me."

"They'll like you."

"I know you think that but it's still nerve wracking."

"And it wasn't nerve wracking for me when I met your dad?"

"I'm not saying it wasn't, but you didn't stay with us for an entire weekend."

"Point taken."

"Let me think about it some more."

"You do that. I'll just be over here beating par."

"Hey, you have to go easy on me."

"I'll play left handed, how's that?"

She smiled and nodded as they went down to the basement and stopped at the first hole in the blacklit room.

"So, you want me to show you?"

Alexis nodded even though she was perfectly capable of doing this herself. She may not look good doing it but it was fairly self-explanatory. Maybe that was part of the fun of pretending to be helpless.

"I've never done this before."

He smiled and came to stand behind her, sliding his hands from her waist to her wrists, correcting her grip on the club. She shivered a little but covered it up by scooting back against him. He towered over her and she loved the feeling of safety and warmth he gave her, a feeling that she always seemed to be searching for. There were very few times she ever felt that anymore.

"Now remember that you're just putting. There's no reason to be Tiger Woods."

She rolled her eyes at the comment he gave her hands a little squeeze.

"I think I'm going to go ahead and kiss you."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, I really do. You have any objections?"

"Not a single one."

"Guess it's unanimous then."

"I just have one question, mister."

"What's that?"

"Why do you always take so long to do this?"

He laughed and leaned down to kiss her, even as her heart thumped wildly in her chest.

"Good things come to those who wait," he answered simply with a smile.

"I can be very, very patient."

"I suppose I'll have to find that out for myself."

* * *

Kate popped her toes on the floor as she went from the kitchen back to the couch, carrying a mug of coffee and a roll of tape with her. Castle was out of town for the weekend, at some kind of book signing that was supposed to increase holiday sales. She was enjoying the solitude of her own apartment, having spent the day Christmas shopping with Lanie. Half of the presents were wrapped and neatly stacked by the couch while the other half lay untouched on the coffee table.

Frowning at the gifts she picked one up, selecting a tube of wrapping paper and setting to work. Castle had been easy to shop for, she'd just followed a nine year-old around the video game store for ten minutes. Martha had been a little harder but eventually she'd come up with something that was both creative and sentimental. Alexis was an entirely different story. Besides not being able to think of anything to get her, she wasn't even sure if they would exchange presents. It had been three weeks with no talking between the two of them. Even the few times their paths had crossed at the loft an icy silence seemed to settle between them and Alexis avoided any kind of conversation that she could. It didn't seem that her anger was going to let up at any point.

Sighing and shaking the thoughts out of her mind, she picked up the phone and called Castle. He answered mid-way through the second ring, obviously not busy at the moment.

"Please talk to me in that sultry voice of yours before I go mad."

"You're already mad, Castle."

"Small technicality. What are you up to?"

"Wrapping Christmas presents and no I'm not telling you what anyone is getting. What are you doing?"

"Sitting in the hotel trying not to think about how many other people have slept in this bed. Wondering why I couldn't have done this at home."

"Thought about how many people have slept in your bed?"

"You're cheeky."

"It's been a long day."

"No, this book signing. Why couldn't I have done it in the city? Why did I have to come to Chicago?"

"Windy. Oprah."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"I'll just ignore that. What are you going to do until I get home?"

"Enjoy the solitude. Sleep in. Eat my breakfast without having to share."

"Geez, you really put up with a lot to be with me."

"On the flipside, you entertain me, you make a great human pillow, and you always make me way more breakfast than I can eat. I think the flipside wins out. I miss you."

"I love when you flirt. It makes me think back to the Kate Beckett of five years ago."

"Why?"

"Because the Kate Beckett of five years ago would have brained me for accusing her of flirting."

"Yes well she and I have come to an agreement that it is my turn to run things around here."

"My injured noggin thanks you both."

She laughed and abandoned the wrapping project on the coffee table, preferring to lay back on the couch and pull a blanket over herself, wishing he was there instead.

"We need to talk about Thanksgiving," he said after a moment of silence. "I would like all of us to be together but I don't know about the Cold war."

"It's just a public relations battle really," Kate answered, playing with a bit of string that had come loose from the blanket. "I was going to go over to my dads."

"When I said all of us, I meant your dad too."

"I caught that."

"I was kind of hoping you and Alexis would be on even ground by now."

"I was too. But I don't think she's going to give."

"I should talk to her again."

"No, don't do that. We'll spend Thanksgiving apart and finagle something else for Christmas. It's just a day, after all. Does it really matter all that much?"

"It does to me."  
She sighed and bit her lip.

"It does to me too," she admitted, adjusting the throw pillow under her head. "I miss her."

"I know. She misses you too, though she would never admit it."

"Is she still mad?"

"I don't know. I think a lot of it is pride. She doesn't want to apologize."

"At this point I don't even care if she does. I would just like to forget it happened and move on."

"Hear, hear."

"On another subject, you won our bet."

"Which one?"

"Lanie and Espo are on. Again."

"What is this, number four?"

"I think so."

"I never thought that my relationship would ever be more stable than anyone."

"They're both extremely stubborn."

"And you and I aren't?"

"No, we are. We're just more apt to admit it. I told Lanie she was stubborn and she looked me up and down and said she could take me. When I said that only proved my point she said we should go back to talking about me."

"How do the two of you work?" Castle laughed, shaking his head.

"I don't know. Somehow."

"Because you're stubborn?"

"Probably."

"I wonder if the reason Ryan and Jenny seem to have a perfect marriage is because they are two of the most not stubborn people in the world."

"Yeah, tell Ryan you think he's a pushover."

"He would be a pushover but Jenny would never be a pusher."

"They really found each other didn't they?"

"Sounds like two twitterpated people I know."

"Twitterpated? Castle."

"You give me a better descriptor."

"I can't think of one."

"I win."

"You're tired."

"Yes."

"Well as much as I love the sound of your tired voice, you should get some sleep."

"But it's so early!"

"Try to sleep and if you can't, call me back. I'll be here all night folks."

"And you think I'm a goof."

"Sleep, Castle. I'll talk to you in the morning."

"I love you Kate."

"I love you too."

She hung up the phone and exchanged it for the remote, flipping through the channels twice before settling on a travel show, then got up from the couch and went into the kitchen. Pulling the fridge open and finding only a bottle of water and a suspicious tomato, she took the water and opened a drawer, searching for a take-out menu that wasn't totally outdated.

"I live like a bachelor," she muttered, flipping through a few old pages. "Gross."

There was a knock on the door and she pushed off the counter and walked towards it, taking a quick glance through the peep-hole.

"Alexis?" she asked, confused as she opened the door. "What are you doing here?"

"I went home but no one was there. I went to the precinct and no one was there. So I came here."

"Your dad is out of town."

"I know."

"What are you-"

"Everything is wrong, Kate," Alexis sniffled, on the verge of stepping through the door but unsure if she would be welcome. "It's all wrong."

"Come inside."

"You don't hate me?"

"Alexis, come inside."

"You should hate me."

"Alexis, I don't hate you. Just come inside."

"I'm so sorry," she said, finally stepping through the door. "So sorry and so stupid. I screwed everything up, I just know it. And I don't deserve him, I don't know why he even stays with me. I'm so stupid-"

"Alexis, you're babbling."

"I can't."

"Can't what?"

"Anything!"

"Okay, let's sit down and start from the beginning, okay?"

"I'm so sorry, Kate."

"I know. Come sit down."


End file.
